As you might know, I’m in an open relationship and I’m even asking How is monogamy still a thing? in one blog post. But when I got asked for an advice on how to open a relationship, I realised I have honestly no idea what to say.
But after some thought, it boils down to that, more or less:
First try to identify the root cause of why you’re monogamous: if both of you are slutty and would really like to fool around with more people – what’s stopping you, actually?
It can be many things: tradition, religion, upbringing, low self esteem, fear of slut-shaming, etc. etc. Try to find out, which is it in your case.
Secondly: threesome is a great (and fun!) middle ground between an open and closed relationship. You’re experimenting and fooling around with someone else, but at the same time you’re doing it together – it doesn’t really feel like cheating, when you’re both “cheating” at the same time with the same person, does it?
So imagine yourselves having a threesome. If it is too much to you, because you don’t want to share the “new” person with your partner – how on Earth do you expect your partner to share you with someone else?
There, that’s your root cause: fear of loosing your partner. I think that’s the most common one, actually.
I have been so lucky to find a guy, with whom it was possible to get rid of such insecurities (which are totally normal!). But it does indeed require plenty of luck, time, and working on your relationship.
Over the years I’ve slept with plenty of guys, and never for a moment thoguht “uh, maybe I should leave Tom for that other guy?”. It’s just out of the question. Tom is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, we’ve been going through our best and our worst together for years... Why would I do something to destroy that? And if I’m sure he thinks the same way, why would I worry that he could leave me for someone else, just beacuse he has a nicer cock or more money or something?
I’m sure there’s plenty of people who are better than me or Tom in this or that. But it’s totally fine, because we know that nobody is perfect – we, however, are perfect for each other.
Thirdly: don’t rush it. It takes time to build this kind of trust. Set up some ground rules together (like “only in threesomes” or “always ask for permission first”) and stick to them, even if they’re a compromise and you’re not totally happy with them. The rules are gonna evolve over time. You can’t go from monogamous prudes to totally open sluts overnight!
The worst thing you can do when it comes to trust, is controlling the other person. Think about it – if you can’t live without checking their phone, constantly asking what they’re doing right now, etc., how are you supposed to let them actually fuck with someone and trust that it’s not gonna get more serious than that? Just be honest with each other. First build the trust, then think out opening your relationship.
- find the root cause and try to fight it together,
- give it time, go step by step,
- build trust: first openness within the relationship, only then an open relationship.