Avris

I have a short story to tell. And it's a real one.

Aparently, this question is getting asked more and more often nowadays, so let me put in my two cents worth. Are polyamorists part of LGBTQ+? And I don't mean those who, like myself, are both pansexual and poly, or both trans and poly, because of course we are. I mean: does polyamory itself make you part of the community?

It's a very common trope in movies and series: people wondering whether, and when, and how they should say “I love you” for the first time to someone they're dating... people worrying about saying it too early, about the other person not saying it back...

But what if we stopped making such a big deal out of it?

Where are you on the Sexuality Spectrum?

Our sexuality is more complex than just straight/bi/gay. Here you can describe it on three axes: attraction type, relationship type and orientation type.

I think we should see other people... No, I’m not breaking up with you, quite the opposite.

Seeing other people might be beneficial for a relationship. How? Well, let me introduce you to the concepts of “NRE” and “compersion”.

Self-Defined Dictionary is a fresh-new open-source project aiming to allow minoritised groups define the words that describe them – finally from their own perspective, and not the perspective of people who never even experienced their struggles.

I took an opportunity to suggest a definition of polyamory from a perspective of a polyamorous person.

Well, why not both?

I know, I know, it doesn’t sound like a question with two possible answers that are not mutually exclusive, but let me rephrase it first.

There is a song by Faun (“Tanz mit mir”) in which a girl agrees to dance with a guy and then spend the night with him, but only if he is “faithful” and “doesn’t kiss any other girl”.

It got me thinking... From a perspective of a non-monogramist that sounds like an extremely low bar for cheating. Really, a kiss is too much already? Maybe he can’t even check out a girl? Oh, right, he probably can’t.

If we counted how many kisses or hugs me and my husband have given out to other guys, we’d have to get divorced repeatedly... Does it mean people in open relationships have no bar whatsoever? Hell no! We can feel cheated too!

As you might know, I’m in an open relationship and I’m even asking How is monogamy still a thing? in one blog post. But when I got asked for an advice on how to open a relationship, I realised I have honestly no idea what to say.

But after some thought, it boils down to that, more or less:

As much as I try not to brag, there is one thing I just cannot stop bragging about: how awesome my relationship is. Seriously, whenever I see some other couple fighting about some petty thing or struggling to communicate about the simplest issues, I wonder, what the hell are they doing wrong? To us it comes so naturally...

And I think I’ve managed to boil it down to a short list od advices:

I’ve been to so many weddings in my lifetime! Yet only one of them was not in a church, and not a single one was same-sex or performed in Germany. My first one is gonna be my own.

And I’m kinda scared...

Let’s not kid ourselves, most of us would like to have more than one partner. But we rarely dare to admit it. The taboo on polygamy is too big.

I hate taboos though! Let’s loosen it up a notch! Let’s talk about non-monogamy and why it’s not as evil and depraved as it might sound.

Being gay is not easy. Depending on where you live, it might mean different things to you. Best case scenario – some minor inconveniences. Worst case – even danger of death. LGBTQ youth has a higher suicide rate than their straight & cis friends, they fear getting disowned by their families, thrown out of their homes, in some countries being sentenced to prison or lashes... We don’t have equal rights, we can’t always show affection in public. Being gay can be scary, lonely and awful.

But there is also a good side to that. The side of being gay that I really really love!