My definition of polyamory

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Self-Defined Dictionary is a fresh-new open-source project aiming to allow minoritised groups define the words that describe them – finally from their own perspective, and not the perspective of people who never even experienced their struggles.

I took an opportunity to suggest a definition of polyamory from a perspective of a polyamorous person.

First of all, it was a very important discovery for me when I found out that polyamory/polyamorous is not something you do, it’s something you are. It stopped being an abstract concept outside of me, it became a part of my own identity.

I wanted my definition to reflect that. I wanted it to include people who do share a similar outlook on relationships to mine, whether they currently are single or in a relationship, whether in a monogamous one or not.

Secondly, I loved seeing “polyamory” being used as a umbrella term to describe different kinds of consensually non-monogamous relationships, including open relationships, in which I am. I used to think this word only describes a very specific type of relationship. But no, it’s an inclusive term: whether it’s non-monogamous only in terms of sex or also in terms of romantic involvement, whether all people are involved with everyone else or are the relationships independent or if it’s a complex polycule – all are invited in the big polyamorous family!

I like such inclusivity because it doesn’t force everyone into tiny boxes, it allows for not being sure, for being somewhere in between.

Thirdly, for me the focus should be more on the values than just the “multiple partners” thing.

I know many happy, committed, long-term relationships: some of them are exclusive, some are open... And I know plenty of shitty (or even abusive) relationships: also both monogamous and not. Turns out there are people who will still lie, cheat and hide things from their partner despite having a green light from them to meet other people.

From what I see, the key to a happy relationship is being honest and building trust between each other. Whether or not you are exclusive, be it sexually or romantically, seems to be totally irrelevant.

And that’s the polyamorous mindset – focusing on being a good partner, and not on being the only partner.

I’d like my definition to reflect this mindset, this inclusivity and this focus on a person, not their relationship status.

So here we go:

Polyamory (noun) – belief that romantic and/or sexual exclusivity is not necessary for a happy, committed relationship; an umbrella term for various types of relationships where all partners involved consent to non-monogamy, such as open relationships, polycules, throuples, group marriages, etc.

NOTE: One can be polyamorous despite currently being single or in a monogamous relationship.

Related posts:

Wikipedia page: Legality of polygamy

Aparently, this question is getting asked more and more often nowadays, so let me put in my two cents worth. Are polyamorists part of LGBTQ+? And I don't mean those who, like myself, are both pansexual and poly, or both trans and poly, because of course we are. I mean: does polyamory itself make you part of the community?

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Distracted boyfriend meme

There is a song by Faun (“Tanz mit mir”) in which a girl agrees to dance with a guy and then spend the night with him, but only if he is “faithful” and “doesn’t kiss any other girl”.

It got me thinking... From a perspective of a non-monogramist that sounds like an extremely low bar for cheating. Really, a kiss is too much already? Maybe he can’t even check out a girl? Oh, right, he probably can’t.

If we counted how many kisses or hugs me and my husband have given out to other guys, we’d have to get divorced repeatedly... Does it mean people in open relationships have no bar whatsoever? Hell no! We can feel cheated too!

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(~2 min read)
I will never divorce this lil whore xD (love you Andreas :*) xD

As you might know, I’m in an open relationship and I’m even asking How is monogamy still a thing? in one blog post. But when I got asked for an advice on how to open a relationship, I realised I have honestly no idea what to say.

But after some thought, it boils down to that, more or less:

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Throuple

Let’s not kid ourselves, most of us would like to have more than one partner. But we rarely dare to admit it. The taboo on polygamy is too big.

I hate taboos though! Let’s loosen it up a notch! Let’s talk about non-monogamy and why it’s not as evil and depraved as it might sound.

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No, honestly, why not? I know why yes, that question is boring, I don’t need anyone convincing me that it’s possible and probably very rewarding to love and be in relationship with more than one person, or that having legal protections for such relationships would be nice.

But I’m curious what would the challenges of such a possibility be.

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(~4 min read)

I think we should see other people... No, I’m not breaking up with you, quite the opposite.

Seeing other people might be beneficial for a relationship. How? Well, let me introduce you to the concepts of “NRE” and “compersion”.

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W języku niemieckim są dwa słowa na to, co po polsku nazywa się po prostu “zazdrością”. I bardzo słusznie, bo to dwie zupełnie różne rzeczy. Kiedy widzisz, że ktoś ma coś zajebistego, i pragniesz również to mieć, to po niemiecku powiesz “ich beneide dich” = “zazdroszczę ci tego”. Kiedy natomiast chcesz mieć kogoś tylko dla siebie, mówisz: “ich bin eifersüchtig” = “jestem o kogoś zazdrosny”.

A zatem na pytanie, czy jestem zazdrosny, musiałbym odpowiedzieć: neidisch – tak, eifersüchtig – raczej nie.

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(~3 min read)