Avris

i took this picture exactly 12 years ago, early in the morning, at lake garda in italy. it's a very special photo for me – it marks a day i now consider the first day of my new life ️

as a teen i used to partake in language courses in padova, italy. they were organized by an order of catholic monks whose main mission is to… pray for more priests. i'm really grateful to have had this experience. i was able to go on a vacation to a beautiful country practically for free – not something that my former family could afford otherwise, or at least not for like 6 years in a row. i've learned a language there, spent amazing time with friends, had plenty of valuable new experiences, got crazy, learned to be a bit of bad boy too. i've learned so much about myself over there… padova trips have always been time for reflection and self-discovery, a break from reality, with a mysthical atmosphere (at least in my head), perfect for prayer and soul-searching. i've spent hours upon hours in the chapel or on a windowsill in a quiet part of the building, contemplating my life, ethical dilemmas, trying to reconcile my sexuality with my faith, my faith with my reason… learning how to be a person.

but those trips weren't being organised purely out of the priests' good hearts, of course. considering that their main mission is to get god to send them more priests, an implicit goal of those courses was to recruit us to join a seminary. oh well, mission failed successfully – i really did find my true calling there, but it wasn't what they'd like

the last year i was there felt different than all the rest. least of all because it was happening in a different city, desenzano de garda. my life had already gotten so much different at that point. i was 19, finally legally an adult. i have passed my high school exams (which are, nomen omen, called “matura” in polish – “the maturity exam”), started uni, i was seriously doubting my faith and openly questioning it during catechism classes at school (yes, it's a thing in poland) and in conversations with priests etc. i came out to myself as queer; then to a few closest friends. i started dating. i gained my first sexual experience (i refuse to call it “losing my virginity” ). all of that a span of last year or so.

just a few weeks before desenzano i also went to regional catholic youth days – not just as a participant, but also as a “camp counselor” / “guardian” for a bunch of teens from my parish. i remember taking advantage of the perks and freedom that came with it, by cutting myself some slack in my ongoing cosplay as a christian – i was skipping most church services, and instead was hanging out with my friends / wards, and playing guitar together… my gay friend lived in a village near where the youth days were taking place – so one day he came to meet me, and we were openly cuddling in front of a park full of nuns and catholic teens. this was one of my first, relatively subtle coming outs, as well as acts of rebellion against the church, the homophobic society and the patriarchy. i remember it feeling so freeing, so empowering.

i remember wearing very faggy, green skinny jeans over there. i was just starting to develop my style… nah, not just that, but i started to even care how i look and what i wear in the first place. when i look back my old photos, ugh… no wonder i was so unfuckable in high school, i wouldn't invite that old me to a party either

anyways… back to desenzano. it was different than the previous years in padova. after years of personal arguments between organisers, us teenagers behaving terribly, and a bunch of other drama, we weren't welcome in padova anymore. but in desenzano i didn't feel welcome either. or at least i didn't feel like i belonged.

i barely even remember that trip to be honest. a few random memories. only one of them in the local chapel. i remember that even though i was there for the services, i didn't pray anymore… like, i recited prayers, sure, but that's different. it's my first clear memory of not believing, just performing faith.

i definitely have been doing that for a while at that point – but that the first moment i can pinpoint in time and space. it's the first moment when i could not only say that i'm gay and an atheist, but also that i know that, that i'm sure of that. i knew i was already a different person by then, i knew that the thing i was doing right now was something that i'm leaving behind.

i think there was talk that the course wouldn't continue next year, i'm not sure. but i definitely knew that it was a goodbye for me. from the trips, from italy, from the church, from my community and from my former family.

although there are so many things about them all that i'm gonna miss terribly, on that day i wasn't feeling sad. i don't remember anymore what kind of stupid interpersonal drama was playing out there, but even though i was a queer heretic coming back to live with their fundamentalist parents, i was feeling kinda happy to leave that place. bittersweet. mostly, i was relieved. i didn't fit in with that community anymore, and i was at peace with that and the decision to leave it behind over time.

over the next year and a bit i would come out to my parents, get outed by them to the rest of the family, finally stopped going to church, met my future husband, moved out, and started my life as an independent adult. it's been a long and painful process.

but also a beautiful one – because it was the process of… becoming me. i realised i don't have to be a miserable, unhappy clone of my parents. there is a “me” out there that i want to and can be.

so if i am to celebrate that process somehow, i can think of no better moment to mark the occasion than in that beautiful sunset, over that beautiful lake, early on that refreshingly warm morning.