I hate foreplay. But not the way you think.

The name “foreplay” implies that it's just an introduction phase to the “proper” sex.

Just like the name “starter” / “appetiser” / “entrée” means that, well… no one comes to a restaurant just to eat that.

But sex isn't like that at all. It can still be fucking awesome without any need for the penetration obsession.

You know this cliché in movies when a teenager gets shamed for only lasting a few seconds in bed? I honestly, honestly didn't get how that's even possible, until I realised that for so many people… “sex” = “penetration”. And also that many men try to avoid doing anything other than penetration, if they can.

OMG, no. It's all sex! And all of it should be fun! Oral sex is still sex. Fingering is still sex. Rimming is sex. Erotic massages, cuddles, hugs can also be important parts of sex. And surprise surprise, despite the lack of penises involved[1], lesbian sex is still sex too!

Where might this definition of sex as “penis in vagina” stem from? Well, to quote my lovely partner:

It's just someone with a penis fully believing the myth of the importance of a penis.

Yeah, sorry guys, but your penis just isn't as important as you seem to think it is. It's cool, sure. I love dicks as much as any other gay slut. But it doesn't have to be the main dish. Everything else you do in bed isn't just a foreplay to when you can finally grace her pussy with your dick.

Unless I'm a very specific kind of horny, I don't want a guy to just come over, stick his dick in my pussy and keep pushing until he's done. I'd be bored out of my mind.

And it's not just boredom that's an issue. In some cases believing this distinction between “foreplay” (as in: what she wants) and “actual sex” (as in: what he wants) might even lead to abusive behaviours… To quote my partner further:

It's that idea that hold up, first you gotta do what you think she wants you to do, get her all nice and agreeable, and then you can fuck her the way you really want to. And the whole idea is so manipulative almost. How to emotionally sedate her. How to make her agree to your coercions without debate. And then you wonder why men don't take no for no.

Exactly. Sex should be something that everyone involved enjoys. If you treat it more like a chore that you do in exchange for consent, you're probably not making her (or yourself) happy.

And if you rush through the “foreplay” and only crave penetration… Well, I'm almost certain that the vast majority of people who enjoy being penetrated are not looking for a bionic dildo.

You're so much more than a dildo. Act like it 😉

[1] Well, some lesbains have penises, but please forgive the simplification.

A photo of me

About the author

Hi! I'm Andrea (they/them). I tell computers what to do, both for a living and for fun, I'm also into blogging, writing and photography. I'm trying to make the world just a little bit better: more inclusive, more rational and more just.