Coming out as... not so gay 🤷🏼

So it turns out, coming out is still something that I have to do sometimes 🙄. Surprisingly, though, it’s the other way around now. That’s a brand new experience to me 😅 So here it goes:

Let me tell you a story of a random, average gay guy growing up in a homophobic environment.

He discovers something strange about himself, but he can’t even put a name on it. He never saw gay couples in his life, he has no idea that liking boys is an option, he never saw gay porn, he never even heard the word.

Then he does hear it. And he hears that it is a bad thing.

He lives half of his teenage years in fear – fear that he’ll have to tell someone one day, fear that he’ll be hated for who he is, fear that he’ll end up alone for the rest of his life...

But he also hears the word “bisexual”. Hmm, sounds like a safe middle ground, actually. Maybe his parents will hate him less if he tells them he’s bisexual, and not gay? (they won’t, don’t kid yourself, kid)... Maybe he actually does like girls? He was focusing so much on the threat of eternal damnation for liking boys, that he didn’t really consider that.

They tell him that one must “pick a side” though. They bombard him with Disney movies and Hollywood clichés of a perfect romantic love that he absolutely must pursue if he ever wants to be happy. The once-in-a-lifetime love only happens once in a lifetime, silly! If you ever want to find “the one”, first select the right half of the population!

It’s a struggle to come out. But he finally does. As gay. It’s simpler that way. Nobody knows about the Kinsey scale anyway. Nobody can think outside the binary. They won’t understand you. You don’t even know yourself who you are – how can you expect anyone else to?

Being gay turns out to be not so bad. Homophobia is terrifying, sure, but the community is so lovely! Everywhere he goes, there’s his queer family ready to welcome him! Well, his gay family.

So here I was. I met a perfect guy for me. We were monogamish and our sex was always 100% male. We got married. I was pretty much “confirmed” as gay.

Except that’s not what I am.

I never “came out” to my husband as (as he calls it) “pussy-curious”. It just was out there, that some day I might want to experiment in that direction.

Our relationship got more open and slightly poly, so I did. And I liked it.

I might be turned on by masculinity and cocks more strongly and more often than by femininity and pussies, but I’ve noticed that at the end the person’s gender or their genitals are not really that high up on the list of reasons to sleep with them 🤷🏼

But hey, everyone thinks I’m gay... I’m married to a guy after all! I fight for marriage equality, I’ve used the “gay” label so many times in my life... No wonder that friends simply see me as gay.

But I’m surprised that even to me it kinda feels wrong in a way...

But it isn’t. At all. Human sexuality is not set in stone. Your sexual orientation can just change overtime (it’s not the same as saying that you can forcibly change someone’s orientation!), and it’s totally fine. You can keep discovering your sexuality that has always been there and it’s still fine.

Experimenting with my gender made me realise: we’re not really bound by binaries. They’re all in our heads.

I don’t have to comply with gender norms, I don’t have to be “male” or “female”. And my sexuality isn’t (and doesn’t have to) be so clearly defined either. I’m still gay, it’s still a huge part of my identity. But I’m also pan.

I used to feel like I’m kinda self-censoring. Like I’m not supposed to like this or that. It’s so much easier not to care anymore!

I didn’t lose my identity after eating the first pussy. I just discovered a new one.

It took me a while to figure it out, but beter late than ever, right? 😉

A photo of me

About the author

Hi! I'm Andrea (they/them). I tell computers what to do, both for a living and for fun, I'm also into blogging, writing and photography. I'm trying to make the world just a little bit better: more inclusive, more rational and more just.