Avris

No, honestly, am I? I wanna know

One thing is, in general, I don’t think gender should be a thing. It’s just some set of stupid arbitrary rules telling you what are you allowed to do and what not depending on which genitals you were born with. I don’t want to follow those rules. I refuse to follow them.

Women used to have no right to vote. Women used to not be allowed to wear pants. But they refused to play by those rules – and now, surprise surprise, turns out having a penis is not a requirement to vote or to wear pants anymore! Who would have thought!

I went to a Pride Week showing of “The Danish Girl” this Monday, followed by a panel discussion with three transgender people who told the audience about their experience of being trans in the Netherlands. What struck me is how much their lives would’ve been easier if only our society didn’t have those strange gender rules. No one would mock that trans guy as a child for having a “boy haircut” or riding a “boy bike” if there was no such thing as a “boy haircut” or “boy bike”. Our society has put gender labels on mundane things like toys, books, movies or haircuts and now it hates people who don’t comply. That’s crazy and hurtful!

Summing up, I really believe that breaking all the idiotic gender-related rules that our society has made up is a right thing to do.

But do I break them?

Well, that’s why I’m not sure if calling myself nonbinary would be okay... I just look like a guy. That’s all.

I mean, I have a friend that looks a different gender in each picture of their dating profile. I see Jonathan van Ness rocking their heels and long hair... And then there’s me – a guy that looks like a guy. I sometimes feel that if I did call myself nonbinary, I’d be all like how dare I do that?

But also, I don’t always look 100% like a guy. I paint my nails every once in a while when I feel like it – and I’m gradually getting more and more comfortable wearing shiny pink nail polish in public. On some occasions (mostly Pride) I wear some makeup on my face as well.

On the other hand, I don’t shop in the “women’s” part of stores, I don’t wear heels or shirts or dresses. I am planning to buy some, but I probably won’t dare to wear them in public for quite a while anyway.

I use the “men’s” locker room at the gym and the “men’s” restroom at work, no matter how inclusive for gender nonconforming people that restroom might be. I don’t think I’m ready for the confusion / confrontation it might possibly spark... Does it make me conforming after all?

People refer to me as he/him, but I honestly wouldn’t mind she/her or they/them. I really, really, don’t care. In my native Polish, which distinguishes gender in many more ways than English, I started using artificial, gender-neutral forms or words (”chciałₐbym” instead of male “chciałbym” or femal “chciałabym”, “zrobiłæm” instead of male “zrobiłem” or female “zrobiłam”). Oh, and I also use female emojis

I don’t do that because I don’t feel like a man anymore or because I feel like a woman, or even anywhere in between.

I do that because I truly hate the very distinction of “femininity” and “masculinity”. Skirts should be just yet another type of clothing one could wear, and not a political statement or a reason to be beaten up in the street. Makeup should be just a time-consuming way to look better – not something reserved to a particular half of the population depending on the contents of their underwear.

I don’t care about being or not being a particular gender. I care about being free from caring about those stupid rules.

And you know what? Is a person not gay if they’re still in the closet? Are they not gay if they are still a virgin? Of course not! Then why do I care so much if I am non-conforming enough to call myself so?

I am angry at the world for attempting to put us all into binary categories – and I don’t wanna stay in one of them anymore.

So yes, I will be putting “enby” in my bio