My husband (and I) had a friend, and she had a boyfriend. When they broke up, she started fucking around (not saying that as a bad thing; I'm a slut myself, after all) and sharing stories with us.
But you see, the thing was – they never actually broke up. She just lied.
Along with this one, we found out about a lot of other lies. And her visiting us in a multicultural country also exposed her racism that we hadn't gotten a chance to see earlier. Overall, a huge shock and disappointment.
We were angry as fuck, and feeling sorry for the boyfriend. So we told him everything we'd found out (and shared all the screenshots he might be insterested in). He was thankful. Broke up with her and kicked her out. Overall, not the happiest ending for her.
Fast forward to last week. The guy… comes out as bisexual and polyamorous.
And my first thought was: daaaamn, girl, you fucked up!
Imagine she had been honest him. Not necessarily with a straight-forward “I wanna fuck other people”, but she could have dropped a hint or two, cracked a joke, asked him how he feels about it, learned to communicate better in the relationship, and in general, you know, treated him as a partner…
They could have explored the world of ethical non-monogamy together. They could have had the most amazing group sex they wanted. They could have had an amazing, loving polycule.
But you can't build amazing relationships without the foundation of trust, honesty and communication. Polyamory isn't about promiscuous people getting together for some reason. An open relationship isn't less of an relationship – if anything, it's kinda more! Because you need to really know your partner well, trust them and be honest with them, if you don't want to be constantly paranoid about what they do with other people.
If you actually get interested in your partner's needs, it might just turn out they align perfectly with yours. But if you lie and cheat and make up an entire fake reality to cover up your infidelities, trust me, no good relationship will come out of that – even if the other person just happens to crave other relations as much as you do.
]]>There is a song by Faun (“Tanz mit mir”) in which a girl agrees to dance with a guy and then spend the night with him, but only if he is “faithful” and “doesn’t kiss any other girl”.
It got me thinking... From a perspective of a non-monogramist that sounds like an extremely low bar for cheating. Really, a kiss is too much already? Maybe he can’t even check out a girl? Oh, right, he probably can’t.
If we counted how many kisses or hugs me and my husband have given out to other guys, we’d have to get divorced repeatedly... Does it mean people in open relationships have no bar whatsoever? Hell no! We can feel cheated too!
The thing is: my husband is the most important person in the world to me – and I can expect the same from him.
So when I really need him, when I’m going through some trouble, when I’m feeling down or whatever, I can always count on him being there for me. If he weren’t, even though he could, I would feel betrayed...
No matter if it was because of a crazy sex party or just a beer with his friends... The important part is not the sex, but the fact that some petty thing was more important than me.
So there it is: a totally different outlook on the issue of cheating. Based not on physical pleasures, but on trust, love and showing the other person that they’re the most important one.
]]>Doch nur wenn du heut’ keine andre küsst,
Keine andere küsst, wenn du treu mir bist
Doch nur wenn du heut’ keine andere küsst,
Sonst schläfst du wohl allein