{"tag":"thruple","articles":{"blog\/society\/how-is-monogamy-still-a-thing":{"key":"blog\/society\/how-is-monogamy-still-a-thing","type":"article","published":true,"meta":{"createdAt":"2017-07-18T09:44:10+02:00","publishedAt":"2017-11-14T09:43:00+01:00","group":"polyamory","category":"blog","subcategory":"society","slug":"how-is-monogamy-still-a-thing"},"content":{"en":{"slug":"how-is-monogamy-still-a-thing","title":"How is monogamy still a thing?","intro":"\u003Cp\u003ELet\u2019s not kid ourselves, most of us \u003Cem\u003Ewould\u003C\/em\u003E like to have more than one partner. But we rarely dare to admit it. The \u003Cstrong\u003Etaboo on polygamy\u003C\/strong\u003E is too big.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EI hate taboos though! Let\u2019s loosen it up a notch! Let\u2019s talk about non-monogamy and why it\u2019s not as evil and depraved as it might sound.\u003C\/p\u003E\u003Csvg xmlns=\u0022http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\u0022 style=\u0022display: none;\u0022\u003E\u003C\/svg\u003E","content":"\u003Cp\u003ELet\u2019s not kid ourselves, most of us \u003Cem\u003Ewould\u003C\/em\u003E like to have more than one partner. But we rarely dare to admit it. The \u003Cstrong\u003Etaboo on polygamy\u003C\/strong\u003E is too big.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EI hate taboos though! Let\u2019s loosen it up a notch! Let\u2019s talk about non-monogamy and why it\u2019s not as evil and depraved as it might sound.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Ch3\u003EWhy non-monogamy?\u003C\/h3\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EWell, imagine you had to decide for just one type of food to eat for the rest of your life. Such a limitation would be absurd, right? Even if you picked your favourite, a tasty and nutrient dish, you\u2019d still be miserable that you\u2019re not allowed to taste anything else. You\u2019d be craving for all the other types of food \u2013 and admitting without shame that you do. Obviously, relationships are way more complicated than food, but the analogy still holds.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EJust try to think about all the jealousy-and-cheating-related plots in movies, series and books, but replacing people with food. Some guy being screamed at by his pizza because he looked lustfully at some spaghetti bolognese? \u201cDon\u2019t you love me anymore? I know you\u2019re thinking of her! You want to eat her, don\u2019t you? You dirty cheater!\u201d.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EWe\u2019re a polygamous species. We\u2019re explorers, we crave new experiences. And it\u2019s not wrong to pursue those cravings.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EIf you share true love with your partner, but you don\u2019t happen to share the same kinks and fetishes, do you have to resign from one or the other?\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EWhy do we think that love, closeness and sex have to be necessarily connected with each other? I\u2019ve loved a lot of people, with whom I\u2019ve never even tried to have sex with. And I\u2019ve also fucked with a lot of people, to whom I had no more feelings than just pure liking. All of those experiences were valuable and amusing. As wonderful it might be to have both love and passion with a single person, I fail to see, why I shouldn\u2019t have all those other experiences only because it has just one of those.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Ch3\u003EMyths\u003C\/h3\u003E\n\u003Ch4\u003E\u201cYou don\u2019t love me anymore\u201d\u003C\/h4\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003ELove and sex are not inseparable. Truly loving someone, while lusting for someone else is not strange. Actually, it\u2019s how almost everybody feels, even if they don\u2019t admit it. Coming back to my food-relationship analogy: if I want to have some salami, does that mean I stopped liking cheese? If I claim that burgers are the best food in the world, do I have to eat them even for a dessert, for which they certainly aren\u2019t made for?\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Ch4\u003E\u201cYou just want to fuck as many people as possible\u201d\u003C\/h4\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EDo you, when you\u2019re single? You\u2019re just as free as a person in an open relationship to fuck however many consenting adults you can. Does that mean you \u003Cem\u003Ehave to\u003C\/em\u003E be promiscuous? Even if it did \u2013 why would it be morally wrong in any way to be so?\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Ch4\u003E\u201cGood idea, but it doesn\u2019t work\u201d\u003C\/h4\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EIn your mind it might not. In your relationship it might not. But for many many people it does \u2013 with its ups and downs, like any other relationship, but it does make some people happy.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Ch3\u003EModels of non-monogamy\u003C\/h3\u003E\n\u003Ch4\u003EConservative model\u003C\/h4\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EI\u2019ll start with this model of non-monogamy, because it\u2019s arguably the most common one. It\u2019s basically when people cheat on their partner, while keeping on appearances that they\u2019re so faithful, loving and prudish.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EIt\u2019s based on a lie. It\u2019s hurtful and it\u2019s wrong.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EAnd it shows that monogamy simply doesn\u2019t work. If it was natural and healthy to be monogamous, then cheating wouldn\u2019t be as common as it is, would it?\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Ch4\u003EPolygyny, polyandry\u003C\/h4\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EIn those models of polygamy either a man has multiple official wives, or a woman \u2013 multiple husbands. And those I consider wrong as well, because of the worst kind of asymmetry. If I\u2019m in a relationship I require all of its members to be equal in rights.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Ch4\u003EThreesomes+\u003C\/h4\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003ESome people are fine with sleeping with others as long as they do it together. The sex might be amazing, way more possibilities in terms of positions, body types, etc. On the other hand, it might be hard to always agree on whether everybody fancies everybody else and whether everybody is into the same stuff.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Ch4\u003EOpen relationship\u003C\/h4\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EIMO the best of two worlds: sharing your life with one person, loving them, being close to them, and putting them always in the first place, but also not considering it cheating, if they have some fun with someone else, as long as they don\u2019t get too involved emotionally. It might be problematic though to get rid of the jealousy and to neutralise the envy of the partner\u2019s \u201cconquests\u201d.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Ch4\u003ECuckolding\u003C\/h4\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EIt\u2019s a fetish where a person gets turned on by getting \u201ccheated\u201d on. Watching their partner do it with someone else, maybe participating just a little bit, or maybe just being aware that they might be doing it.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Ch4\u003EThrouple\u003C\/h4\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EIs it impossible to love more than one person? Obviously not. So if three people all love each other, why would they necessarily decide to form a couple and leave someone alone? Let\u2019s just form a three-person relationship: \u201cthree\u201d + \u201ccouple\u201d = \u201ctrouple\u201d.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EOn one hand it sounds like a perfect idea, if you happen to be in such a situation. On the other though, the social stigma might be hard to live with. You might not go around telling people that you happen to have a threesome once in a while, but it\u2019s a bit harder to hide a fact that you have two boyfriends or two girlfriends.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Ch4\u003EPolyamory\u003C\/h4\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EWhy stop at three? Polyamorists say that \u003Cstrong\u003E\u201dlove is not a finite resource\u201d\u003C\/strong\u003E. We can love and care for many people, not just one. Polyamory is about building intimate relationships without restricting oneself to one person. You might form different \u201cconstellations\u201d, without everyone necessarily loving everyone else.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EI recon it might be awfully hard. Also very rewarding, but still. Having one relationship is complicated enough for me. I can\u2019t really imagine maintaining a stable relationship with more people \u2013 without any of them feeling worse than the other, not given enough attention etc.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Ch3\u003ESumming up\u003C\/h3\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EThere\u2019s probably way more models of monogamy than I have listed. More arguments for it, more arguments against it... One could discuss this topic for hours. One could argue which way is \u201cbetter\u201d or \u201cmore moral\u201d...\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EBut what I was meaning to show is quite simple: there\u2019s more than one way to live your sex and romantic life. You might want to experiment a bit to find out which fits you best.  Good luck and have fun! \ud83d\ude09\u003C\/p\u003E\u003Csvg xmlns=\u0022http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\u0022 style=\u0022display: none;\u0022\u003E\u003C\/svg\u003E","tags":["love","monogamy","non-monogamy","open relationship","partner","polyamory","polygamy","relationship","sex","stigma","taboo","thruple"],"hasMore":true,"image":null,"introLite":"\u003Cp\u003ELet\u2019s not kid ourselves, most of us \u003Cem\u003Ewould\u003C\/em\u003E like to have more than one partner. But we rarely dare to admit it. The \u003Cstrong\u003Etaboo on polygamy\u003C\/strong\u003E is too big.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EI hate taboos though! Let\u2019s loosen it up a notch! Let\u2019s talk about non-monogamy and why it\u2019s not as evil and depraved as it might sound.\u003C\/p\u003E","contentLite":"\u003Cp\u003ELet\u2019s not kid ourselves, most of us \u003Cem\u003Ewould\u003C\/em\u003E like to have more than one partner. But we rarely dare to admit it. The \u003Cstrong\u003Etaboo on polygamy\u003C\/strong\u003E is too big.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EI hate taboos though! Let\u2019s loosen it up a notch! Let\u2019s talk about non-monogamy and why it\u2019s not as evil and depraved as it might sound.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Ch3\u003EWhy non-monogamy?\u003C\/h3\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EWell, imagine you had to decide for just one type of food to eat for the rest of your life. Such a limitation would be absurd, right? Even if you picked your favourite, a tasty and nutrient dish, you\u2019d still be miserable that you\u2019re not allowed to taste anything else. You\u2019d be craving for all the other types of food \u2013 and admitting without shame that you do. Obviously, relationships are way more complicated than food, but the analogy still holds.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EJust try to think about all the jealousy-and-cheating-related plots in movies, series and books, but replacing people with food. Some guy being screamed at by his pizza because he looked lustfully at some spaghetti bolognese? \u201cDon\u2019t you love me anymore? I know you\u2019re thinking of her! You want to eat her, don\u2019t you? You dirty cheater!\u201d.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EWe\u2019re a polygamous species. We\u2019re explorers, we crave new experiences. And it\u2019s not wrong to pursue those cravings.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EIf you share true love with your partner, but you don\u2019t happen to share the same kinks and fetishes, do you have to resign from one or the other?\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EWhy do we think that love, closeness and sex have to be necessarily connected with each other? I\u2019ve loved a lot of people, with whom I\u2019ve never even tried to have sex with. And I\u2019ve also fucked with a lot of people, to whom I had no more feelings than just pure liking. All of those experiences were valuable and amusing. As wonderful it might be to have both love and passion with a single person, I fail to see, why I shouldn\u2019t have all those other experiences only because it has just one of those.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Ch3\u003EMyths\u003C\/h3\u003E\n\u003Ch4\u003E\u201cYou don\u2019t love me anymore\u201d\u003C\/h4\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003ELove and sex are not inseparable. Truly loving someone, while lusting for someone else is not strange. Actually, it\u2019s how almost everybody feels, even if they don\u2019t admit it. Coming back to my food-relationship analogy: if I want to have some salami, does that mean I stopped liking cheese? If I claim that burgers are the best food in the world, do I have to eat them even for a dessert, for which they certainly aren\u2019t made for?\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Ch4\u003E\u201cYou just want to fuck as many people as possible\u201d\u003C\/h4\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EDo you, when you\u2019re single? You\u2019re just as free as a person in an open relationship to fuck however many consenting adults you can. Does that mean you \u003Cem\u003Ehave to\u003C\/em\u003E be promiscuous? Even if it did \u2013 why would it be morally wrong in any way to be so?\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Ch4\u003E\u201cGood idea, but it doesn\u2019t work\u201d\u003C\/h4\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EIn your mind it might not. In your relationship it might not. But for many many people it does \u2013 with its ups and downs, like any other relationship, but it does make some people happy.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Ch3\u003EModels of non-monogamy\u003C\/h3\u003E\n\u003Ch4\u003EConservative model\u003C\/h4\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EI\u2019ll start with this model of non-monogamy, because it\u2019s arguably the most common one. It\u2019s basically when people cheat on their partner, while keeping on appearances that they\u2019re so faithful, loving and prudish.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EIt\u2019s based on a lie. It\u2019s hurtful and it\u2019s wrong.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EAnd it shows that monogamy simply doesn\u2019t work. If it was natural and healthy to be monogamous, then cheating wouldn\u2019t be as common as it is, would it?\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Ch4\u003EPolygyny, polyandry\u003C\/h4\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EIn those models of polygamy either a man has multiple official wives, or a woman \u2013 multiple husbands. And those I consider wrong as well, because of the worst kind of asymmetry. If I\u2019m in a relationship I require all of its members to be equal in rights.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Ch4\u003EThreesomes+\u003C\/h4\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003ESome people are fine with sleeping with others as long as they do it together. The sex might be amazing, way more possibilities in terms of positions, body types, etc. On the other hand, it might be hard to always agree on whether everybody fancies everybody else and whether everybody is into the same stuff.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Ch4\u003EOpen relationship\u003C\/h4\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EIMO the best of two worlds: sharing your life with one person, loving them, being close to them, and putting them always in the first place, but also not considering it cheating, if they have some fun with someone else, as long as they don\u2019t get too involved emotionally. It might be problematic though to get rid of the jealousy and to neutralise the envy of the partner\u2019s \u201cconquests\u201d.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Ch4\u003ECuckolding\u003C\/h4\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EIt\u2019s a fetish where a person gets turned on by getting \u201ccheated\u201d on. Watching their partner do it with someone else, maybe participating just a little bit, or maybe just being aware that they might be doing it.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Ch4\u003EThrouple\u003C\/h4\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EIs it impossible to love more than one person? Obviously not. So if three people all love each other, why would they necessarily decide to form a couple and leave someone alone? Let\u2019s just form a three-person relationship: \u201cthree\u201d + \u201ccouple\u201d = \u201ctrouple\u201d.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EOn one hand it sounds like a perfect idea, if you happen to be in such a situation. On the other though, the social stigma might be hard to live with. You might not go around telling people that you happen to have a threesome once in a while, but it\u2019s a bit harder to hide a fact that you have two boyfriends or two girlfriends.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Ch4\u003EPolyamory\u003C\/h4\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EWhy stop at three? Polyamorists say that \u003Cstrong\u003E\u201dlove is not a finite resource\u201d\u003C\/strong\u003E. We can love and care for many people, not just one. Polyamory is about building intimate relationships without restricting oneself to one person. You might form different \u201cconstellations\u201d, without everyone necessarily loving everyone else.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EI recon it might be awfully hard. Also very rewarding, but still. Having one relationship is complicated enough for me. I can\u2019t really imagine maintaining a stable relationship with more people \u2013 without any of them feeling worse than the other, not given enough attention etc.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Ch3\u003ESumming up\u003C\/h3\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EThere\u2019s probably way more models of monogamy than I have listed. More arguments for it, more arguments against it... One could discuss this topic for hours. One could argue which way is \u201cbetter\u201d or \u201cmore moral\u201d...\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EBut what I was meaning to show is quite simple: there\u2019s more than one way to live your sex and romantic life. You might want to experiment a bit to find out which fits you best.  Good luck and have fun! \ud83d\ude09\u003C\/p\u003E","words":1133,"readTime":5,"lang":"en"}}}}}