Alejandra Caraballo posted a video of a powerful testimony by Lola Smith, a 12-year-old nonbinary person forced to beg for their rights in front of the Florida Medical Board. This video is both terrifying and empowering. Indeed, everyone should see it.
But transphobes transphobing and trans people being forced to defend their dignity is just a part of the struggle. Another one is how our “allies” are pretending to ally…
You'd think that if a nonbinary person says they're nonbinary within the first few seconds of a video, if they literally introduce themselves with name, age and gender, then people watching the video and commenting on it would get the message that the person is nonbinary. And yet, there's comments underneath the tweet calling Lola a “brave young lady”, “inspiring young woman”, she/her-ing them1…
Just because transphobic politicians are setting the bar for treating trans people with dignity as terrifyingly low as letting them exist in public spaces, it doesn't mean that's where your allyship should stop.
Real allyship starts with actually respecting a person's identity. If you look at a person who says they're nonbinary and you see a girl2, you're missing the entire point. Lola is very likely to see this tweet and see the comments where “allies” purposefully misgender them. How will they feel, after having to defend themselves in front of a panel full of transphobes, seeing that even self-proclaimed allies don't really respect them?
Yes, purposefully misgender. If you make a mistake, if something slips your mind – it's perfectly fine, we all do that; but you need to take effort to correct that mistake! As an analogy, say you reposted an information about a celebrity dying, but it turns out it was all a hoax, they're very much alive, and you were made aware of that. You would edit or remove your post, so that the fake news doesn't circulate anymore, right?
Yet here the “allies” in question, after getting politely corrected (and interacting with the replies), still as of time of writing this post (13h after) have neither apologised nor removed their tweets. So how on Earth is it not a purposeful misgendering of a child?
And apparently, according to some other user in the replies, politely correcting a factual error that actively harms a trans kid is what makes us “insufferable”, “small-minded”, “pedantic”, “counter-productive”, and a self-designated “pronoun police” 🤦🤦🤦
Holy fuck, that's absurd… The video we’re commenting under is about Lola demanding respect for their identity, and the “ally” in question not only didn’t do that but keeps refusing to do that by not removing the tweet (well, it got 38 likes, you could see how big of a sacrifice it would be to lose those imaginary internet points!). How is it “counter-productive” to correct someone’s mistake, especially in this context?
But most importantly… “Pronoun police”? Seriously?! Police are a tool of power, authority, and often oppression. Calling a minoritised group’s effort to protect each other from mistreatment by simply pointing out that someone is hurting us a “pronoun police” is misguided at best, malicious at worst…
You're trying to flip the reality. You're literally calling the oppresed oppressors, you're comparing care for a kid's identity to state-sanctioned violence.
How insufferable of you.
1 Lola doesn't mention their pronouns in this short video, it could also be some neopronouns or even indeed “she/her” – but outright assuming it's “she/her” just because of their AGAB is a bad assumption to make; English has a normative pronoun used to describe people whose gender and/or pronouns we don't know (eg. “someone left their umbrella in the hallway”), so that's what I'll be using here.
2 Calling them a “woman”, even if preceded with “young”, is also kinda cringe… They're a kid. A 12-year-old who should be enjoying their childhood and not be put in the situation where they have to advocate for their rights in front of adults filled with hatered…
]]>Wygląda na to, że konserwatywne snowflejki mają kolejny powód do strachu. Tym razem idzie o jedną z najokropniejszych obelg, jaką można kogoś nazwać:
…
“osoba”.
Tak, kurwa, “osoba”. Obrażają się o “osobę” 🤦
CW: homophobic slurs mentioned
Nawoływania do używania inkluzywnego i neutralnego płciowo języka dają się coraz głośniej słyszeć dookoła świata. W przypadku polszczyzny dużo robi w tej kwestii współzałożony przeze mnie kolektyw “Rada Języka Neutralnego”, tworzący m.in. projekt zaimki.pl.
Propagujemy na przykład takie formy, które wcześniej forsowała fundacja TransFuzja, a które analogicznie do feminatywów nazwałyśmy “osobatywami”. A mianowicie: zamiast mówić patriarchalnie “członkowie” albo binarnie “członkowie i członkinie”, propnonujemy mówić “osoby członkowskie” – co włącza wszystkich, niezależnie od płci. Zamiast “studenci i studentki” można mówić “osoby studiujące”, itd.
Osobatywy to kompromis. Bo oprócz nich wśród pomysłów na neutralne płciowo rzeczowniki są zgodne gramatycznie z rodzajem neutralnym neutratywy (ten członek – ta członkini – to członko; ten student – ta studentka – to studencie) oraz zgodne gramatycznie z rodzajem podstpłciowym dukatywy (ten członek – ta członkini – tenu członku; ten student – ta studentka – tenu studentu).
Neutratywów i dukatywów nie ma w słownikach. Są neologizmami. I wielu się o to oburza – że sobie wymyślamy, że niszczymy język, bla bla bla. Standardowe argumenty ludzi niemających bladego pojęcia o ewolucji języka. Nihil novi.
Ale za to osobatywy powinny być spoko nawet dla preskryptywistów. Polonistka nie wypomni błędu językowego uczennicy, która w wypracowaniu napisała o “osobach sprzątajacych”. Język nie został zniszony, hip hip hurra!
Stąd też moje ogromne zdziwienie, gdy w naszym ostatnim wywiadzie ktoś z komentujących oburzył się, że “a może on nie chce, by go nazywano »osobą«”? Kilka dni później na Twitterze ktoś ni z tego ni z owego oburzył się na sam koncept inkluzywnego języka, bo “kto by chciał, by go tytułowano per »osoba«?”, po czym usiłował nazwać nas “osobami” w taki sposób, by pokazać, jakie jest to obraźliwe.
They just wanna be oppressed so badly.
To biali hetero cis mężczyźni. Są grupą dominującą, uprzywilejowaną. Ale nie potrafią zwyczajnie docenić swojego przywileju (a już tym bardziej użyć go, by pomóc mniejszościom). Gdy są oskarżani o queerfobię, nie odbierają tego jako motywacji do refleksji, pracy nad sobą i empatii. Odbierają to jako wielką niesprawiedliwość dziejową – jak ktoś śmiał mieć coś do tego, że nazwałem go “pedałem”? Albo że do baby z kutasem powiedziałem “per pan”!?
Próbują umniejszać problemom mniejszości, udając że przecież każdy ma problemy, nie ma o co się tak miziać! Próbują tworzyć (nieistniejącą) symetrię między opresorami a opresjonowanymi.
Wy pedały macie swoje parady, a gdzie straight pride dla nas? Dyskryminujecie nas! Wy żądacie ochrony przed dyskryminacją, a mnie to kto obroni? Wy nie możecie wziąć ślubu – no i dobrze, szczęściarze, nic nie tracicie, ja tam ze swoją starą to wytrzymać nie mogę. Wy płaczecie, że ktoś was zmisgenderował – też mi coś, mnie ostatnio nazwali “osobą”!
(Normatywna) polszczyzna jest dla osób niebinarnych bezduszna. Z niemal każdym wymówionym zdaniem zmusza nas do kłamstwa. Zmusza nas do wyboru spośród dwóch opcji, z których żadna nas dobrze nie wyraża. Dla osób trans misgendering jest czymś więcej niż tylko słowami. Boli. Wbija szpilę z każdym słowem. Przypomina na każdym kroku o tym, jak bardzo nie jesteśmy akceptowane. Pogłębia dysforię. Powoduje nienawiść do same_ siebie i do swojego ciała. Język kształtuje myślenie, kształtuje rzeczywistość… czasem doprowadza do najgorszych tragedii.
Tymczasem pan Janusz ma kryzys egzystencjalny, bo ktoś (niczym zresztą nie umniejszając jego męskości) mógłby go kiedyś zaliczyć do grona “osób komentujących”.
Niestety dla niego, fakt posiadania bardzo chujowej osobowości nie sprawia, że pan Janusz przestaje być osobą. Jest osobą, czy mu się to podoba, czy nie.
Wszystkie osoby są osobami.
I to nic złego być osobą.
]]>Here's why:
(Note: If you're trans and not yet ready to come out, don't feel pressured! This post is for the cis allies 😉)
You wouldn't call Ashley “Samantha” just because you like that name more or because “she looks like a Samantha to you”. And even if it does say “Samantha” on her birth certificate, but she absolutely hates that name and prefers “Ashley”, you'd respect that, right?
And it's the exact same story with pronouns – if you don't want to be rude towards someone, please address them properly. The only difference is that we usually know each other's names – but not pronouns. We introduce ourselves with a name, but not with pronouns. Let's change that 😉
There are people who look manly while being women (either cis on trans), there are he/him lesbians, there are nonbinary people using binary pronouns for different reasons, etc. etc. Seing a picture of someone's face doesn't automatically mean you'll be right when you assume their pronouns.
In English, “Carol” is a feminine name, while Polish the name “Karol” is given to boys. In many languages “Alex” can be short for both “Alexandra” and “Alexander”. A person who doesn't speak Arabic probably won't know what gender “Farrah” is associated with. If you introduce yourself with just a name (eg. in an email), for many people it might still not be clear how to address you, because they have no cultural knowledge about what pronouns usually go with that name. It's easier to just be explicit and not expect them to guess.
Sharing their pronouns is very important for trans, nonbinary and gender nonconforming people. Alas, it also exposes us and singles us out. But if cis people do the same, it means the world for us. It makes us feel more confortable, safe and welcome.
Even if your friends or fans know very well that you're a cis man, adding that “he/him” to your profile still gives them a very important information – that you support the trans community.
Your support is important. Especially if you're well known and influential.
Are you talking to someone who looks androgynous and you don't know how to address them without offending them? Normalisation of giving pronouns and asking about pronous comes to rescue!
Seriously, there are only upsides 😉
]]>Oto dlaczego:
(Uwaga: Jeśli jesteś osobą trans i nie jesteś jeszcze gotowx na coming out, nie czuj presji. Ten artykuł jest skierowany do cis sojuszników 😉)
Nie nazywałxbyś Moniki “Martą” tylko dlatego, że bardziej ci się podoba to imię, albo dlatego, że “dla ciebie ona wygląda jak Marta”. Nawet jeśli miałaby “Marta” w papierach, ale szczerze nienawidziła tego imienia i zamiast niego wybrała sobie “Monika”.
Z zaimkami jest podobnie – jeśli nie chcesz być wobec kogoś niegrzecznx, zwracaj się do ludzi tak, jak sobie tego życzą. Jedyną różnicą jest to, że przeważnie znamy imię, lecz nie zaimki. Przestawiamy się iminiem, ale nie zaimkami. Czas to zmienić 😉
Isnieją ludzie wyglądający męsko mimo bycia kobietami (czy to cis czy trans), istnieją he lesbians, istnieją osoby niebinarne używające binarnych zaimków ( zwłaszcza w językach jak polski), itp. itd. To, że widzisz zdjęcie czyjejś twarzy, nie znaczy że będzie w stanie poprawnie zgadnąć ich zaimki.
„Karol” jest imieniem męskim, ale osoba anglojęzyczna nosząca imię „Carol” najprawdopodobniej będzie kobietą. W wielu językach imię „Alex” może być skróconą formą zarówno imienia “Alexandra”, jak i “Alexander”. Osoba nieznająca arabskiej zapewne nie będzie wiedziała, z którą płcią jest kojarzone imię „Farrah”. Jeśli przedstawiasz się wyłącznie imieniem (np. w emailu), wiele osób nie będzie w stanie zgadnąć, jakie zaimki przeważnie idą z tym imieniem w parze w Twoim języku i Twojej kulturze. Prościej jest po prostu przekazać tę informację wprost, zamiast zmuszać rozmówców do zgadywania.
Dzielenie się swoimi zaimkami jest niezmiernie istotne dla osób transpłciowych, niebinarnych i gender nonconforming. Niestety, to również nas eksponuje i wystawia na widok. Lecz jeśli ludzie cis robią to samo, jest to dla nas niezmiernie ważne. Sprawia, że czujemy się bardziej komfortowo i bezpiecznie.
Nawet jeśli twoi znajomi i fani świetnie wiedzą, że jesteś cis facetem, to dodanie “on/jego” w profilu i tak daje im bardzo ważną informację – że wspierasz osoby trans oraz tych, którzy nie są pewni swojej płci.
Twoje wsparcie jest ważne. Zwłaszcza, jeśli jesteś sławnx i wpływowx.
Rozmawiasz z kimś wyglądającym androgynicznie i nie wiesz, jak się do nix zwrócić, by jex nie obrazić? Normalizacja podawania zaimków i pytania o zaimki na pewno w takich sytuacjach pomoże!
Serio, same zalety bez wad. 😉
]]>For me, gender is over.
Not in a sad, “Game Over” way.
In a happy, “Mission accomplished” way.
Because for me gender is just a set of rules and regulations, based on someone's perception of what kind of genitals you might have. If people think that you have this or that in your pants, they'll also expect you to get a specific type of job, wear a specific amount of makup, have specific amount of body hair in specific places, wear specific clothes, behave in a specfic manner, play with specific toys...
We know it's all made up rules, for instance because it differs from culture to culture and from time to time. “Asian woman”, “Western woman”, “Medieval European woman”, etc. etc. are all made to follow different set of rules. Pink used to be a colour associated with boys not girls (because of being close to bloody red).
Dictionaries define gender as “the behavioral, cultural, or psychological traits typically associated with one sex”. But I would go one step further: it's not just the “traits” that are “associated”. It's rules that are enforced.
Be it by getting physically beaten up for “looking like a faggot”, be it by being publicly riddiculed for “being too butch”, or be it by simply being quietly frowned upon – the society has its ways to make people look and behave the way their designated box says they should.
And yes, I know, there's plenty of people being very comfortable in their box. And there's many who know they'll be happy and fitting once they transition to the other box. But wouldn't it be simpler if we just got rid of the boxes?
Just let people be people. Let us be ourselves.
Ever since I put the nonbinary label on my gender, ever since I started gender bending, ever since I started experimenting with my pansexuality, I started realising how made up gender is.
We don't choose our partners based solely on the mere existence of a penis or a vagina, right? We like them for their character, skills, sense of humour, we're physically attracted to their body type, body hair, muscles, face, hair, makeup, etc. etc.
Our appearance and behaviour, our romantic and sexual attraction – are way more complex than just those simple binary categories: man and woman, gay, straight and bi...
Sure, it's a decent approximation, and I still use them to describe myself and other people. And I'm not trying to invalidate anyone's identity.
I just wanted to share how much liberty it gave me when I started to just care about those labels less.
I'm not enforcing gender rules on anyone. I'm not trying to follow them myself. In my mind – gender is over 💪
]]>Where are you on the Sexuality Spectrum?
Disclaimer:
I'm not the author of the original concept of those axes. They were circulating online in form of a picture without a watermark – making it practically impossible to find the author. I just made an interactive version of it, with a few adjustments.
I'm aware that this representation of gender & sexuality is not perfect – but none is! Humans are more complex than just a few axes!
Yes, us nonbinary folx aren't necessarily in between “male” and “female”, yes, lumping bisexuality and pansexuality together is not ideal, etc. etc. etc. But it's an approximation. If you come up with a better one, I'd gladly make an app for it 😉
]]>#IAmNonbinary is trending on Twitter. Next to beautiful pictures and inspiring stories of nonbinary folks, there’s also tons of hateful replies. Apart from the usual phobic comments, there’s also some idiotic requirements. Haters reproach people that they aren’t andogynous enough, or that they aren’t using “they/them” pronouns, etc, etc.
Oh for fuck’s sake. You’re missing the entire point.
Nonbinary isn’t about creating a third box, next to “male” and “female”. It’s about getting out of the box.
It’s in the name: “nonbinary” = beyond the binary, beyond the two usual “options”.
I used to get it wrong as well. I thought that this word only applies to those people that you see on the street and can’t help but wonder, if they’re a boy or a girl. That it’s only for people like Jonathan Van Ness, who dare to rock high heels and gender bend the hell out of their wardrobe.
It’s not.
It’s just about looking at what the society considers “male” and “female”, and feeling that you’re neither. That’s all.
Today I realised that on my inactive Facebook account I’ve put gender “doesn’t matter” and pronoun “neutral” many, many years ago. But only a few months ago I’ve finally dared to call myself “nonbinary”. How stupid of me.
You can be AFAB and wear makeup, you can be AMAB and have a beard. You dont’ have to be adrongynous, you don’t have to use them/they pronouns. No worries, other enbies won’t think of you as any less nonbinary.
Gender ≠ expression ≠ pronouns.
We call people “they”, even in singular, when we either don’t know their gender or if it isn’t important. That doesn’t mean we think they’re nonbinary. We call ships “she” (well, some people do, I think it’s stupid), which doesn’t mean that ships are female. When a woman wears pants (unthinkable two centuries ago), she doesn’t become a man. When a clergyman wears a cassock (basically a dress), he doesn’t become a woman.
You know why? Yes, because gender ≠ expression ≠ pronouns.
So please stop telling nonbinary people how to be nonbinary. Nobody is “not nonbinary enough”.
And while we’re at it: stop telling women how to be women and stop telling men how to be men.
We’re all valid. We’re all enough.
]]>It’s sad, being a member of a minoritised community and seeing some of its members turn against the others. Like in case of that twitter discussion on whether or not “weird looking” people and drag queens should be allowed to represent us, or even mention publicly that they are queer, for fear of giving us a bad reputation.
I used to be that asshole who answers “no” to this question.
I used to be that gay guy who thought that those “effeminate” of us shouldn’t really talk loud about their homosexuality – cause they would only strengthen the stereotypes and make the lives of “us, normal gays” harder to live.
I used to be that gay guy who enjoyed drag queen shows and who liked his queen friends personally, but who advocated against them being in drag when they represent the whole LGBTQ+ movement to the rest of the world. I didn’t want the world to think that all of us are like this.
It was so wrong of me.
Because our strength comes from diversity. Because our fight doesn’t make sense if we only fight to be safe, and not for the ability to be ourselves. Because our fight doesn’t make sense if we don’t fight for all of us.
I wasn’t just restricting others – most of all, I was restricting myself. I’m a nonbinary person, but I’ve spent a huge chunk of my life pretending to be a man, instead of living a fabulous life free of gender norms. All just to make some bigots more comfortable with my existence. Well, fuck them.
If you want to make the oppressed shape themselves in a way that the oppressor wants them to, you’re playing by their rules, and you’ve already lost. You’re working towards a “compromise” between bigotry and being oneself, between hatred and happiness – a compromise that makes everyone unhappy.
You’re valid just the way you are.
If you’re really worrying so much about the image of the community, show the world an image of queer people coming together hand in hand, as “strange” as they might be, united in diversity – and not fighting each other who’s the right amount of gay.
]]>It’s #ComingOutDay, so I feel like I should tell you something...
Here it goes...
Ekhm...
I’m queer af 😱
I know, I know, but please try to contain your shock 😅
But in all seriousness: I’m so lucky and privileged that I can just say it out in the open. Most people still aren’t.
When I first came out, it was scary, risky and dangerous. But I did it. It got worse, but then it got better. Being truly myself made it better.
If you’re scared to come out, remember:
What hit me most at yesterday’s debate, was a story of a workshop where 12-13yo kids were totally open about their identity, but their teacher just couldn’t understand “that pansexual and nonbinary nonsense” – despite her being a lesbian herself.
How come kids are better educated, more open and more self-aware than their teachers?
Simple: because now they grow up with the Internet, with all the inclusive Netflix shows, with all the celebrities coming out... Those kids will educate their parents, teachers, friends...
That’s why your coming out is so important. It’s a snowball effect. More visibility ⇒ more acceptance ⇒ it’s easier to come out ⇒ more people do so ⇒ more visibility.
Inclusive society is inevitable! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Happy #ComingOutDay!
]]>No, honestly, am I? I wanna know 😅
One thing is, in general, I don’t think gender should be a thing. It’s just some set of stupid arbitrary rules telling you what are you allowed to do and what not depending on which genitals you were born with. I don’t want to follow those rules. I refuse to follow them.
Women used to have no right to vote. Women used to not be allowed to wear pants. But they refused to play by those rules – and now, surprise surprise, turns out having a penis is not a requirement to vote or to wear pants anymore! Who would have thought!
I went to a Pride Week showing of “The Danish Girl” this Monday, followed by a panel discussion with three transgender people who told the audience about their experience of being trans in the Netherlands. What struck me is how much their lives would’ve been easier if only our society didn’t have those strange gender rules. No one would mock that trans guy as a child for having a “boy haircut” or riding a “boy bike” if there was no such thing as a “boy haircut” or “boy bike”. Our society has put gender labels on mundane things like toys, books, movies or haircuts and now it hates people who don’t comply. That’s crazy and hurtful!
Summing up, I really believe that breaking all the idiotic gender-related rules that our society has made up is a right thing to do.
But do I break them?
Well, that’s why I’m not sure if calling myself nonbinary would be okay... I just look like a guy. That’s all.
I mean, I have a friend that looks a different gender in each picture of their dating profile. I see Jonathan van Ness rocking their heels and long hair... And then there’s me – a guy that looks like a guy. I sometimes feel that if I did call myself nonbinary, I’d be all like how dare I do that?
But also, I don’t always look 100% like a guy. I paint my nails every once in a while when I feel like it – and I’m gradually getting more and more comfortable wearing shiny pink nail polish in public. On some occasions (mostly Pride) I wear some makeup on my face as well.
On the other hand, I don’t shop in the “women’s” part of stores, I don’t wear heels or shirts or dresses. I am planning to buy some, but I probably won’t dare to wear them in public for quite a while anyway.
I use the “men’s” locker room at the gym and the “men’s” restroom at work, no matter how inclusive for gender nonconforming people that restroom might be. I don’t think I’m ready for the confusion / confrontation it might possibly spark... Does it make me conforming after all?
People refer to me as he/him, but I honestly wouldn’t mind she/her or they/them. I really, really, don’t care. In my native Polish, which distinguishes gender in many more ways than English, I started using artificial, gender-neutral forms or words (”chciałₐbym” instead of male “chciałbym” or femal “chciałabym”, “zrobiłæm” instead of male “zrobiłem” or female “zrobiłam”). Oh, and I also use female emojis 🤷🏼
I don’t do that because I don’t feel like a man anymore or because I feel like a woman, or even anywhere in between.
I do that because I truly hate the very distinction of “femininity” and “masculinity”. Skirts should be just yet another type of clothing one could wear, and not a political statement or a reason to be beaten up in the street. Makeup should be just a time-consuming way to look better – not something reserved to a particular half of the population depending on the contents of their underwear.
I don’t care about being or not being a particular gender. I care about being free from caring about those stupid rules.
And you know what? Is a person not gay if they’re still in the closet? Are they not gay if they are still a virgin? Of course not! Then why do I care so much if I am non-conforming enough to call myself so?
I am angry at the world for attempting to put us all into binary categories – and I don’t wanna stay in one of them anymore.
So yes, I will be putting “enby” in my bio 😉
]]>