#IAmNonbinary is trending on Twitter. Next to beautiful pictures and inspiring stories of nonbinary folks, there’s also tons of hateful replies. Apart from the usual phobic comments, there’s also some idiotic requirements. Haters reproach people that they aren’t andogynous enough, or that they aren’t using “they/them” pronouns, etc, etc.
Oh for fuck’s sake. You’re missing the entire point.
Nonbinary isn’t about creating a third box, next to “male” and “female”. It’s about getting out of the box.
It’s in the name: “nonbinary” = beyond the binary, beyond the two usual “options”.
I used to get it wrong as well. I thought that this word only applies to those people that you see on the street and can’t help but wonder, if they’re a boy or a girl. That it’s only for people like Jonathan Van Ness, who dare to rock high heels and gender bend the hell out of their wardrobe.
It’s not.
It’s just about looking at what the society considers “male” and “female”, and feeling that you’re neither. That’s all.
Today I realised that on my inactive Facebook account I’ve put gender “doesn’t matter” and pronoun “neutral” many, many years ago. But only a few months ago I’ve finally dared to call myself “nonbinary”. How stupid of me.
You can be AFAB and wear makeup, you can be AMAB and have a beard. You dont’ have to be adrongynous, you don’t have to use them/they pronouns. No worries, other enbies won’t think of you as any less nonbinary.
Gender ≠ expression ≠ pronouns.
We call people “they”, even in singular, when we either don’t know their gender or if it isn’t important. That doesn’t mean we think they’re nonbinary. We call ships “she” (well, some people do, I think it’s stupid), which doesn’t mean that ships are female. When a woman wears pants (unthinkable two centuries ago), she doesn’t become a man. When a clergyman wears a cassock (basically a dress), he doesn’t become a woman.
You know why? Yes, because gender ≠ expression ≠ pronouns.
So please stop telling nonbinary people how to be nonbinary. Nobody is “not nonbinary enough”.
And while we’re at it: stop telling women how to be women and stop telling men how to be men.
We’re all valid. We’re all enough.
]]>It’s sad, being a member of a minoritised community and seeing some of its members turn against the others. Like in case of that twitter discussion on whether or not “weird looking” people and drag queens should be allowed to represent us, or even mention publicly that they are queer, for fear of giving us a bad reputation.
I used to be that asshole who answers “no” to this question.
I used to be that gay guy who thought that those “effeminate” of us shouldn’t really talk loud about their homosexuality – cause they would only strengthen the stereotypes and make the lives of “us, normal gays” harder to live.
I used to be that gay guy who enjoyed drag queen shows and who liked his queen friends personally, but who advocated against them being in drag when they represent the whole LGBTQ+ movement to the rest of the world. I didn’t want the world to think that all of us are like this.
It was so wrong of me.
Because our strength comes from diversity. Because our fight doesn’t make sense if we only fight to be safe, and not for the ability to be ourselves. Because our fight doesn’t make sense if we don’t fight for all of us.
I wasn’t just restricting others – most of all, I was restricting myself. I’m a nonbinary person, but I’ve spent a huge chunk of my life pretending to be a man, instead of living a fabulous life free of gender norms. All just to make some bigots more comfortable with my existence. Well, fuck them.
If you want to make the oppressed shape themselves in a way that the oppressor wants them to, you’re playing by their rules, and you’ve already lost. You’re working towards a “compromise” between bigotry and being oneself, between hatred and happiness – a compromise that makes everyone unhappy.
You’re valid just the way you are.
If you’re really worrying so much about the image of the community, show the world an image of queer people coming together hand in hand, as “strange” as they might be, united in diversity – and not fighting each other who’s the right amount of gay.
]]>No, honestly, am I? I wanna know 😅
One thing is, in general, I don’t think gender should be a thing. It’s just some set of stupid arbitrary rules telling you what are you allowed to do and what not depending on which genitals you were born with. I don’t want to follow those rules. I refuse to follow them.
Women used to have no right to vote. Women used to not be allowed to wear pants. But they refused to play by those rules – and now, surprise surprise, turns out having a penis is not a requirement to vote or to wear pants anymore! Who would have thought!
I went to a Pride Week showing of “The Danish Girl” this Monday, followed by a panel discussion with three transgender people who told the audience about their experience of being trans in the Netherlands. What struck me is how much their lives would’ve been easier if only our society didn’t have those strange gender rules. No one would mock that trans guy as a child for having a “boy haircut” or riding a “boy bike” if there was no such thing as a “boy haircut” or “boy bike”. Our society has put gender labels on mundane things like toys, books, movies or haircuts and now it hates people who don’t comply. That’s crazy and hurtful!
Summing up, I really believe that breaking all the idiotic gender-related rules that our society has made up is a right thing to do.
But do I break them?
Well, that’s why I’m not sure if calling myself nonbinary would be okay... I just look like a guy. That’s all.
I mean, I have a friend that looks a different gender in each picture of their dating profile. I see Jonathan van Ness rocking their heels and long hair... And then there’s me – a guy that looks like a guy. I sometimes feel that if I did call myself nonbinary, I’d be all like how dare I do that?
But also, I don’t always look 100% like a guy. I paint my nails every once in a while when I feel like it – and I’m gradually getting more and more comfortable wearing shiny pink nail polish in public. On some occasions (mostly Pride) I wear some makeup on my face as well.
On the other hand, I don’t shop in the “women’s” part of stores, I don’t wear heels or shirts or dresses. I am planning to buy some, but I probably won’t dare to wear them in public for quite a while anyway.
I use the “men’s” locker room at the gym and the “men’s” restroom at work, no matter how inclusive for gender nonconforming people that restroom might be. I don’t think I’m ready for the confusion / confrontation it might possibly spark... Does it make me conforming after all?
People refer to me as he/him, but I honestly wouldn’t mind she/her or they/them. I really, really, don’t care. In my native Polish, which distinguishes gender in many more ways than English, I started using artificial, gender-neutral forms or words (”chciałₐbym” instead of male “chciałbym” or femal “chciałabym”, “zrobiłæm” instead of male “zrobiłem” or female “zrobiłam”). Oh, and I also use female emojis 🤷🏼
I don’t do that because I don’t feel like a man anymore or because I feel like a woman, or even anywhere in between.
I do that because I truly hate the very distinction of “femininity” and “masculinity”. Skirts should be just yet another type of clothing one could wear, and not a political statement or a reason to be beaten up in the street. Makeup should be just a time-consuming way to look better – not something reserved to a particular half of the population depending on the contents of their underwear.
I don’t care about being or not being a particular gender. I care about being free from caring about those stupid rules.
And you know what? Is a person not gay if they’re still in the closet? Are they not gay if they are still a virgin? Of course not! Then why do I care so much if I am non-conforming enough to call myself so?
I am angry at the world for attempting to put us all into binary categories – and I don’t wanna stay in one of them anymore.
So yes, I will be putting “enby” in my bio 😉
]]>