This post is not about gays. It's about maths.
Some guy online told me that queers don't deserve rights (or at least the attention of lawmakers), because they make up only 0.03% of the population. Which is ridiculous. Both the argumentation, and the number itself. Human rights are inherent and inviolable, human dignity doesn't depend on numbers of specific minoritiesed groups.
But it shows how important it is to properly estimate how many queer people are there in society. Usually, homophobes are trying to prove it's as low as 0.5% to make homosexuality sound like an aberration, some totally marginal oddity that can be ignored, laughed at or hated. Meanwhile, some studies go as high as 52%! That's a number that should make every homophobic politician worry about their reelection unless they change their hateful policies. Where are such huge discrepancies coming from?
This study treated sexual orientation as a spectrum, and not just gay/bi/straight. 52% is the number of people who say they aren't 100% straight. Also, it's among teenagers in the US, which shows that younger people in countries where the taboo on homosexuality is lower are more open to embrace their queer side and to admit it in a questionnaire.
But let's come back to that ridiculous figure of 0.03%. If it were true, that would mean there's only 12 000 queers in Poland – while last year's Equality Parade gathered around 50 000 people attending in Warsaw alone.
That would also make my hometown of Szczecin, population 400k, a home to just 120 gays, bisexuals, lesbians and trans people. Assuming half of them are female and like a third is a proper age — my dating pool would have been just 30 people. I probably slept with more than that before I'd moved out of the city.
Looking at my high school class, there were 4 people (out of 28) that I know to be LGBTQ (and probably some more that I don't know about), making it around 14%.
But neither of those methods of trying to estimate this number from my personal experience has even a hint of scientific rigour. Most importantly, the sample sizes are laughably small, making them not representative at all.
Proper scientific studies, albeit probably pretty reliable, are easily dismissed by homophobes – those surveys were done by some random people they don't trust, the respondends didn't have to tell the truth about their orientation, etc. etc.
But I think I came up with a way to very roughly estimate the number of gay, lesbian and bisexual people that everyone[1] can do for themselves and see with their own eyes that there's a lot of us.
I went on PlanetRomeo, a very popular gay hookup app that shows you profiles of other guys sorted by distance.
I scrolled down until the 780th person until I've reached the first person to be “1 km away”. This means that in a circle with the area of πr² = 3.14 km² there are at least 780 gays and bisexual guys (and probably some girls, and trans people, and couples with a joint account – but those numbers should be neglectable for the purpose of this rough estimation).
It's hard to estimate, how many gays in here use this particular app, how many use a different one, how many use multiple, and how many don't use any... — so keep in mind that 780 is the lowest estimate. In the radius of 1 km from me there are at least 780 guys, actively looking for another guy to meet.
I think it's safe to assume that the number of lesbians and bisexual girls would be similar, if not higher (studies suggest girls tend to be more bisexual than guys, which makes it a low estimate as well), so let's double our number: there's at the very least 1560 queer people in the 3.14 km² area around me.
The population density of the district I live in is 6966 people/km². That means queers are at the very least 1560 people / (3.14 km² * 6966 people/km²) ≈ 7%
of the population in here.
Seven percent! Plus those who aren't using hookup apps. Plus those who use a different one. Plus the asexual people. Plus the aromantic people. Plus trans people. Plus nonbinary people. Plus all the other queers...
I know, I know. There's so many unknowns in my process. But! For the purposes of proving in a simple and reproducable way that the number of queers is orders of magnitude higher than what some homophobes are claiming – I think this process does a great job, doesn't it?
I never would have thought that one day I'll be using hookup apps not to hook up, but to do maths and to fight for human rights 😅
[1] Well, ok, not everyone... there's still a lot of places where queers have to stay so deep in the closet that using apps might not help...
But what if we stopped making such a big deal out of it?
I mean it's still quite big. Just not as huuuge as it's often painted.
Let me start with defining what I mean by “love”:
Love is not a feeling.
Love is a decision to care about someone else‘s happiness rather than your own.
What exactly are you willing to do and how much to sacrifice to make someone happy, is a different story.
We love plenty of people, in different ways. Remember how Jesus said “love thy neighbour”? You literally love your neighbour when you keep the noise down not to ruin their day. You make a little concession in order not to be a dick towards a fellow human. In my opinion, simple decency is also a kind of love.
Of course, we don't tell strangers that we love them, why would we? But what about people to whom we're closer?
“I love you” is such an amazing thing to say and to hear! Be it between friends, or family members, or romantic partners...
Even if we only have a single word for “love”, we are familiar with the idea of love meaning different things, aren't we? We all know that ancient Greeks had different names for love: agápe, éros, philía, philautia, storgē, xenia... Love is not reserved for really serious romantic relationships, is it?
Parents love their children, friends love their friends, people who just started dating love each other, people married for thirty years love each other... All in a different way and with different intensity, but they all decide every day to do things that they don't necessarily like, in order to make someone else happy.
That's love.
I dated a guy recently. I knew I loved him, but I've never told him that. Of course I loved him. But, well, he didn't want any commitment whatsoever, and our world sees “I love you” as a huge huuuge commitment. We've lived our relationship around that ugly taboo: we can tell each other all kinds of nice things, just not this one!
Loving someone, and telling them that you do, doesn't necessarily mean your relationship is committed, not casual, and super serious. It just means you care for them, want them to be happy, and are willing to do a lot to make them happy.
Tell your friends you love them! ❤
]]>But there is also a good side to that. The side of being gay that I really really love!
When I see a straight couple on a date, most of the time the guy seems nervous: he plans the whole thing, he tries to impress the girl, he bares responsibility for the date to work out well. She, on the other hand, is more passive, just enjoying his efforts.
When I hear about family problems of straight couples, they often concern the division of household chores or generally the traditional gender roles. The wife is expected to sacrifice her career for the children and the household, while the husband is expected to heroically protect the family from every danger.
And almost nobody seems to be happy with that. Girls, who try to impress a guy or want to ask him out, often feel strange, inappropriate. And some guys might be shy and prefer to be approached by a girl, or might not like the burden of organising their dates. Girls might want to focus on their careers, guys might need the privilege of being cowardly...
Gays, on the other hand, can be so flexible in all of that! Who reels up the the other? Well, whoever’s brave enough. Who organises the dates? Whoever feels like it, or whoever has a nice idea, or we just do it together. Who does the chores? We just split it, so that everybody does, what they do best. If both of you are the man or the woman, then you don’t have to “be the man in this relationship” or wonder “what should I do as a woman?”.
I’m not saying straight couples cannot have such equality and freedom to be yourself, as same-sex couples do. That would be stereotypical, plain stupid and simply not true. They obviously can, and I know many that do. But you’ve got to admit, the overall trend of equality in a relationship and the general expectations from the society in that matter look way better for same-sex couples, don’t they?
A girl meets a boy: he’s nice, interesting, handsome and strong. She falls in love with him. Well, at least until they talk about politics for the first time. Then it turns out that her prince charming is actually a nationalistic fucktard, he’s hateful towards other nations and skin colours, he wants to let the refugees die in the war zone...
Obviously, gays also can be right-wing extremists, but statistically I would expect much lower percentage of such people among the LGBTQ community. Why? We can sympathise with minorities, because we are a minority ourselves. We’ve been hurt by inequality, so we have a lot of determination to fight against it. Our common suffering unites us and makes us stronger.
Which brings me to the awesomeness of the LGBTQ community in general. My first time in a gay bar was an amazing, unforgettable experience, even though nothing special actually happened. But it was just so open!
Obviously, that’s a huge generalisation, but you know... In a gay bar, during a pride parade or in some LGBTQ association, as long as you share the same values, you can feel welcome, you can be yourself and not be judged for that, you can feel safe and wanted. It’s just so warm and friendly! You can be on first name terms with everybody by default (even in Poland or Germany, where “Du” and “Sie” thingy is quite a big deal).
The Community is like a huge, worldwide family for me. I cried after the massacre in Orlando as if I’d lost really close friends – even though I didn’t know those people. After my biological family rejected me, it’s the misfits of the LGBTQ community that made me feel at home again.
For a shy guy like me online dating is quite a big deal. Remember all the jokes in the sitcoms about couples being ashamed that they’ve met online and coming up with some fake “how we met” stories? This shows a stigma around the topic. As if it was a worse way to meet someone. If anything, it’s better in many ways. Like being able to get to know someone’s interests and character (and not just their looks) from their profile before even talking to them – you can’t see any of that when you’re saying hello to a stranger in a bar.
Sure, now in the age of Tinder’s popularity, that stigma is getting smaller and smaller. But nevertheless: I’m happy to be part of a community, where meeting your boyfriend or your hookup on the Internet is not a big deal, but practically a default.
Ever wondered, why sex-related jokes about gays are almost always about us doing anal (”haha, they fuck in the shithole!”) or about straight guys’ irrational fears that we would rape them (”I’ll sleep on this side, otherwise you’d fuck me, faggot, hehe...”)? Well, yeah, we do anal, and it’s awesome, what’s your point? And no, gay ≠ rapist, and if you’d joke about that, it probably means that’s the way you’d treat a woman in a similar situation...
Meanwhile, in sit-coms, standups etc. I keep hearing jokes about guys constantly underperforming in bed, finishing after 3 minutes, refusing to go down on a girl while demanding a blowjob for themselves, being generally boring and self-absorbed in bed... I might think they’re just jokes, but then I keep hearing complaints about precisely that from my straight female friends about their boyfriends.
Seems like many straight guys don’t experiment with their bodies, as if their cock was their only sex organ and a woman was basically just a toy for their wank. Getting your nipples stimulated, your armpits or asshole licked, etc. etc., that feels so amazing! Your G-spot is your prostate, and if you don’t play with it for fear that “it’s gay”, you’re just missing out. Licking other people’s bodies can be so hot as well...
From what I hear, many straight people divide sex into foreplay and penetration. Penetration is what a guy really wants, while foreplay is what he is willing to do, reluctantly, to be allowed to get to the penetration. And gays? Seriously, I don’t remember the last time I even used the word “foreplay”. It’s all just sex. It’s all awesome. Did you know that most of the time we don’t even fuck in the ass during sex? Anal requires preparation, douching, status talk, condoms, lube, etc., meanwhile everything else is almost just as good, so why bother that much every time?
“Seducing a straight guy” is quite a common theme in gay porn. But I don’t really get that phantasy. If the majority of straight guys is really the way standuppers, sitcoms, jokes and their own partners say they are in bed, well... I’m just glad that there are only gay/bi guys in my bed.
I don’t have to worry about getting someone pregnant. Or about my country trying to restrict access to contraception and abortion (although I am fighting for others’ right to use them). I won’t end up in a marriage where we don’t actually want to be together, but we just ended up with an unwanted pregnancy and decided it’s best for the baby... If I share my clothes and underwear with my boyfriend, my wardrobe becomes twice as big. There are so many things I don’t really think about every day, but when they do come up, I can’t help but think “thank goddess I’m gay!”.
So if I were born straight, I guess I’d be trying to be as “gay” as possible anyway. Looking for a girlfriend that would treat be like a partner, not as a patriarch. Visiting gay bars, because why not. Using online dating sites and not caring what others think...
There’s naturally nothing wrong with being straight, or with being gay, or lesbian, or bisexual, or pansexual. But hell yeah I’m happy I happened to be born just the way I have!
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