{"tag":"celebration","articles":{"blog\/life\/the-first-day-of-my-life":{"key":"blog\/life\/the-first-day-of-my-life","type":"article","published":true,"meta":{"createdAt":"2023-09-03T21:37:00+02:00","publishedAt":"2024-07-20T06:08:06+02:00","group":null,"category":"blog","subcategory":"life","slug":"the-first-day-of-my-life"},"content":{"en":{"slug":"the-first-day-of-my-life","title":"The first day of my life","intro":"\u003Cfigure\u003E\n                \u003Cnoscript\u003E\n                    \u003Cimg src=\u0022https:\/\/avris.it\/image\/album-garda_small.jpg\u0022 alt=\u0022\ud83c\uddee\ud83c\uddf9 Sunrise at Lago di Garda\u0022 class=\u0022border-bottom\u0022 width=\u0022480\u0022 height=\u0022270\u0022\u003E                \n                \u003C\/noscript\u003E\n                \u003Cspan class=\u0022hide-noscript\u0022\u003E\u003Cimg src=\u0022data:image\/png;base64,iVBORw0KGgoAAAANSUhEUgAAACQAAAAUCAYAAADlep81AAAACXBIWXMAAA7EAAAOxAGVKw4bAAAF50lEQVRIiT2Wz45dRxHGf19Vn3Pv9UzGjm1sEYRAgizYssqGh+AteAregndBYsOCJWIDUUAiChGJbMce2zNz5\/453VXF4oxYlLp606ouVf2+T7\/7\/R+qNbA24c1pzdlOxtXOeXnVuDsbp3CkmY0bs4vJjdmNz67ELz6beLQ1tk+eIRe3Nwvv399yfT949e6e\/SlYRjEiGBEsI+gP+RhBj6L3pHcxRtB2E2BgVpiCJqDguIhXN8l2MmYTzYrWYOtidtg4RMD9fdFH8fV\/X2EqUPHxEBx7kaH1cYICisK0hlSYgWdRVpQnVNImSzYTyIOS4aY1JFRFZdK82LRk62LjYp7EthWT4MNNxyQG0KOISkYKqth4QRVGUVmUoFQ4kBSpxJSYimZBqWiNTqZjAjlYwQTMVpigqWjARsW2FXMrHjVj48bWxIwo4FzCVAwKWSJPqKITOMlsARmgoJQkSVUiYu2WArOiNS0gw8qxMhyHcjIbrsQzsQyUgdXEVsnOxEUzdhINyBKbEidgVLFEsvFkUUIGow9aBUkSNWgqtnOwbYkTvN8Hd8egE7SWJ4RjbigdZy2qyWkPN8Mpa2CdUkOIKmEudhIGnCVMRm6M43GwPwWV64cuW7Afg8mD7AGZnEdwOKyDPTIhEq+kXcQtZo7juJwoR+nYcCwNT8fTmMppaWzSmMvZlvG04GIyVKLL2G9mDj3IDDKTDcXlXJx6sJAce6AIGIkiYSREoBEQCSNo2+WGCYNhzJPzaDIK59AbheHmbJt4ksVPp86L5xO12eGXM7vHL8jdI\/y710x3weNTsvvxBeP6Pe\/e7qE1jgOm1pCMbMGbE7w9Q40gR5GRRCSVDwW9f3uLuZhcbCexN2cyuJzBJXYuNm5cTsX1D4Xeik0ETz3Qr55Tn39O\/mSiToFuCr\/5DvU9j3XmvIf7k3HsxfW9GLVu1MWADMdGsCyFIhmjiB60dx9OLBIDp0k82SSfOMRcvNwMNuJhiJNPWnEVycWl0Z41eFrUi19Su98g7tDuT7R\/foP+c6Y+JH4urMM+DAvjXTc+DuM8RCacA4hiZDECIpL21XWSBqZkcnhlYtIKw51PPJvgsReP3HkkuDL4Ues8\/3bh5bdHPv32L+iLF9Suoa\/\/Rf79Hec3cDjC3TD2adyVuCtxTBEJVYJMlGAJVoVHUVG055fJCiEeoAiVA8tCJo5V5BBDYjERKpYSxyHsOth89ZqL9kc4\/cDpyw+8vpn55jjzfjh3Q+xHcgy4j+JUxTGCc0+WXGXjvAyOy6ASKou22wjzlfDeYKJwwaxix+DigTuXJDslT6fgUw9+tj1x9VLkF1vq17+l7v\/KvP0zP\/\/34NlN5\/Vp5v1o3IW4C3Ebxn2J4zBOURwDeiR91Do\/UWQPmg63JEW5QTPUjPK1U2cXzQvLYqNgIkg6I4ORRyq1wjf3xLjD64hyQCQZWyImRhoZIofIgkyRsepc9lzzXtQoMqAluRZiICtQEOksZowUJSMdXOAOYy5ucd614pELvp+Iq79Rb\/6Brifw4naauF5mbs05IA5m7F3cBxxlHFX0SoagVxJiDZJ2LuEFiWElHAMMpSETS4pF4mwTXcnsCSkWBXnqXL0R4+OX9HMxHzfEmHk7jFfDOZc4YhzduS3jBBwrOVB0Jan8\/zksSYn2oWsl8cTapRRmULYah8nEqRknFx3jfFrxcB3BRy7Y7Qc9jcbMrq2K\/v1R3PWil1gQ5xSHKJLkkMYhkhEiQkQZsSoHAbT7JcFBY+2IeSIZrsIefNDGk9PknNI51mrQJmt8HMUkJ1JMDx4Hwf2S3PXVB2UGS8Ixkp7Fua\/c6bGufzxAMbPIkbT9kuCFlJg7Mq0qL+EyzIzFjbkXfUr67EytaJYcHqxJFAgBSRacEyo6I3N1hpnsz0WpWKJYEiRQJRScezCiqJG0\/aGvE2sGFkzNcAmTaO40RDfR3VgWcT4bzVapmV00rdtTkRQQVfQomkGO5DCSJYueyTmKUQUSCTQryGJEsixBjOB\/cmoRwnyfFscAAAAASUVORK5CYII=\u0022 data-src=\u0022https:\/\/avris.it\/image\/album-garda_small.jpg\u0022 alt=\u0022\ud83c\uddee\ud83c\uddf9 Sunrise at Lago di Garda\u0022 class=\u0022border-bottom\u0022 width=\u0022480\u0022 height=\u0022270\u0022\u003E\u003C\/span\u003E\n                \n            \u003C\/figure\u003E\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Ei took this picture exactly 12 years ago, early in the morning, at lake garda in italy.\nit\u0027s a very special photo for me \u2013 it marks a day i now consider the first day of my new life \u263a\ufe0f\u003C\/p\u003E\u003Csvg xmlns=\u0022http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\u0022 style=\u0022display: none;\u0022\u003E\u003C\/svg\u003E","content":"\u003Cfigure\u003E\n                \u003Cnoscript\u003E\n                    \u003Cimg src=\u0022https:\/\/avris.it\/image\/album-garda_big.jpg\u0022 alt=\u0022\ud83c\uddee\ud83c\uddf9 Sunrise at Lago di Garda\u0022 class=\u0022border\u0022 width=\u0022960\u0022 height=\u0022540\u0022\u003E                \n                \u003C\/noscript\u003E\n                \u003Cspan class=\u0022hide-noscript\u0022\u003E\u003Cimg src=\u0022data:image\/png;base64,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\u0022 data-src=\u0022https:\/\/avris.it\/image\/album-garda_big.jpg\u0022 alt=\u0022\ud83c\uddee\ud83c\uddf9 Sunrise at Lago di Garda\u0022 class=\u0022border\u0022 width=\u0022960\u0022 height=\u0022540\u0022\u003E\u003C\/span\u003E\n                \n            \u003C\/figure\u003E\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Ei took this picture exactly 12 years ago, early in the morning, at lake garda in italy.\nit\u0027s a very special photo for me \u2013 it marks a day i now consider the first day of my new life \u263a\ufe0f\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Eas a teen i used to partake in language courses in padova, italy.\nthey were organized by an order of catholic monks whose main mission is to\u2026 pray for more priests.\ni\u0027m really grateful to have had this experience. i was able to go on a vacation to a beautiful country\npractically for free \u2013 not something that my former family could afford otherwise,\nor at least not for like 6 years in a row. i\u0027ve learned a language there, spent amazing time with friends,\nhad plenty of valuable new experiences, got crazy, learned to be a bit of bad boy too.\ni\u0027ve learned so much about myself over there\u2026 padova trips have always been time for reflection and self-discovery,\na break from reality, with a mysthical atmosphere (at least in my head), perfect for prayer and soul-searching.\ni\u0027ve spent hours upon hours in the chapel or on a windowsill in a quiet part of the building,\ncontemplating my life, ethical dilemmas,\ntrying to reconcile my sexuality with my faith, my faith with my reason\u2026\nlearning how to be a person.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Ebut those trips weren\u0027t being organised purely out of the priests\u0027 good hearts, of course.\nconsidering that their main mission is to get god to send them more priests,\nan implicit goal of those courses was to recruit us to join a seminary. oh well, mission failed successfully\n\u2013 i really did find my true calling there, but it wasn\u0027t what they\u0027d like \ud83d\ude05\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Ethe last year i was there felt different than all the rest. least of all because it was happening in a different city, desenzano de garda.\nmy life had already gotten so much different at that point. i was 19, finally legally an adult.\ni have passed my high school exams (which are, nomen omen, called \u201cmatura\u201d in polish \u2013 \u201cthe maturity exam\u201d), started uni,\ni was seriously doubting my faith and openly questioning it during catechism classes at school (yes, it\u0027s a thing in poland)\nand in conversations with priests etc. i came out to myself as queer; then to a few closest friends.\ni started dating. i gained my first sexual experience (i refuse to call it \u201closing my virginity\u201d \ud83e\udd2e).\nall of that a span of last year or so.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Ejust a few weeks before desenzano i also went to regional catholic youth days \u2013 not just as a participant,\nbut also as a \u201ccamp counselor\u201d \/ \u201cguardian\u201d for a bunch of teens from my parish.\ni remember taking advantage of the perks and freedom that came with it, by cutting myself some slack in my ongoing cosplay as a christian \u2013\ni was skipping most church services, and instead was hanging out with my friends \/ wards, and playing guitar together\u2026\nmy gay friend lived in a village near where the youth days were taking place \u2013 so one day he came to meet me,\nand we were openly cuddling in front of a park full of nuns and catholic teens.\nthis was one of my first, relatively subtle coming outs, as well as acts of rebellion against the church,\nthe homophobic society and the patriarchy.\ni remember it feeling so freeing, so empowering.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Ei remember wearing very faggy, green skinny jeans over there. i was just starting to develop my style\u2026\nnah, not just that, but i started to even \u003Cem\u003Ecare\u003C\/em\u003E how i look and what i wear in the first place.\nwhen i look back my old photos, ugh\u2026 no wonder i was so unfuckable in high school,\ni wouldn\u0027t invite that old me to a party either \ud83d\ude05\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Eanyways\u2026 back to desenzano. it was different than the previous years in padova. after years of personal arguments\nbetween organisers, us teenagers behaving terribly, and a bunch of other drama, we weren\u0027t welcome in padova anymore.\nbut in desenzano i didn\u0027t \u003Cem\u003Efeel\u003C\/em\u003E welcome either. or at least i didn\u0027t feel like i belonged.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Ei barely even remember that trip to be honest. a few random memories. only one of them in the local chapel.\ni remember that even though i was there for the services, i didn\u0027t pray anymore\u2026 like, i recited prayers, sure, but that\u0027s different.\nit\u0027s my first clear memory of not believing, just performing faith.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Ei definitely have been doing that for a while at that point \u2013 but that the first moment i can pinpoint in time and space.\nit\u0027s the first moment when i could not only say that i\u0027m gay and an atheist, but also that i \u003Cem\u003Eknow\u003C\/em\u003E that,\nthat i\u0027m \u003Cem\u003Esure\u003C\/em\u003E of that. i knew i was already a different person by then, i knew that the thing i was doing right now\nwas something that i\u0027m leaving behind.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Ei think there was talk that the course wouldn\u0027t continue next year, i\u0027m not sure.\nbut i definitely knew that it was a goodbye for me. from the trips, from italy, from the church,\nfrom my community and from my former family.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Ealthough there are so many things about them all that i\u0027m gonna miss terribly, on that day i wasn\u0027t feeling sad.\ni don\u0027t remember anymore what kind of stupid interpersonal drama was playing out there,\nbut even though i was a queer heretic coming back to live with their fundamentalist parents,\ni was feeling kinda happy to leave that place. bittersweet. mostly, i was relieved.\ni didn\u0027t fit in with that community anymore, and i was at peace with that and the decision to leave it behind over time.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Eover the next year and a bit i would come out to my parents, get outed by them to the rest of the family,\nfinally stopped going to church, met my future husband, moved out, and started my life as an independent adult.\nit\u0027s been a long and painful process.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Ebut also a beautiful one \u2013 because it was the process of\u2026 becoming me.\ni realised \u003Cem\u003Ei don\u0027t have to\u003C\/em\u003E be a miserable, unhappy clone of my parents.\nthere is a \u201cme\u201d out there that i \u003Cem\u003Ewant to\u003C\/em\u003E and \u003Cem\u003Ecan\u003C\/em\u003E be.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Eso if i am to celebrate that process somehow, i can think of no better moment to mark the occasion\nthan in that beautiful sunset, over that beautiful lake, early on that refreshingly warm morning.\u003C\/p\u003E\u003Csvg xmlns=\u0022http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\u0022 style=\u0022display: none;\u0022\u003E\u003C\/svg\u003E","tags":["faith","atheism","coming out","queer","new life","rebirth","celebration"],"hasMore":true,"image":"https:\/\/avris.it\/image\/album-garda_small.jpg","introLite":"\u003Cfigure\u003E\u003Ca href=\u0022https:\/\/avris.it\/image\/album-garda_big.jpg\u0022 target=\u0022_blank\u0022 rel=\u0022noopener\u0022\u003E\u003Cimg src=\u0022https:\/\/avris.it\/image\/album-garda_mini.jpg\u0022 alt=\u0022\ud83c\uddee\ud83c\uddf9 Sunrise at Lago di Garda\u0022 width=\u0022240\u0022 height=\u0022135\u0022 loading=\u0022lazy\u0022\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003C\/figure\u003E\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Ei took this picture exactly 12 years ago, early in the morning, at lake garda in italy.\nit\u0027s a very special photo for me \u2013 it marks a day i now consider the first day of my new life \u263a\ufe0f\u003C\/p\u003E","contentLite":"\u003Cfigure\u003E\u003Ca href=\u0022https:\/\/avris.it\/image\/album-garda_big.jpg\u0022 target=\u0022_blank\u0022 rel=\u0022noopener\u0022\u003E\u003Cimg src=\u0022https:\/\/avris.it\/image\/album-garda_mini.jpg\u0022 alt=\u0022\ud83c\uddee\ud83c\uddf9 Sunrise at Lago di Garda\u0022 width=\u0022240\u0022 height=\u0022135\u0022 loading=\u0022lazy\u0022\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003C\/figure\u003E\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Ei took this picture exactly 12 years ago, early in the morning, at lake garda in italy.\nit\u0027s a very special photo for me \u2013 it marks a day i now consider the first day of my new life \u263a\ufe0f\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Eas a teen i used to partake in language courses in padova, italy.\nthey were organized by an order of catholic monks whose main mission is to\u2026 pray for more priests.\ni\u0027m really grateful to have had this experience. i was able to go on a vacation to a beautiful country\npractically for free \u2013 not something that my former family could afford otherwise,\nor at least not for like 6 years in a row. i\u0027ve learned a language there, spent amazing time with friends,\nhad plenty of valuable new experiences, got crazy, learned to be a bit of bad boy too.\ni\u0027ve learned so much about myself over there\u2026 padova trips have always been time for reflection and self-discovery,\na break from reality, with a mysthical atmosphere (at least in my head), perfect for prayer and soul-searching.\ni\u0027ve spent hours upon hours in the chapel or on a windowsill in a quiet part of the building,\ncontemplating my life, ethical dilemmas,\ntrying to reconcile my sexuality with my faith, my faith with my reason\u2026\nlearning how to be a person.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Ebut those trips weren\u0027t being organised purely out of the priests\u0027 good hearts, of course.\nconsidering that their main mission is to get god to send them more priests,\nan implicit goal of those courses was to recruit us to join a seminary. oh well, mission failed successfully\n\u2013 i really did find my true calling there, but it wasn\u0027t what they\u0027d like \ud83d\ude05\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Ethe last year i was there felt different than all the rest. least of all because it was happening in a different city, desenzano de garda.\nmy life had already gotten so much different at that point. i was 19, finally legally an adult.\ni have passed my high school exams (which are, nomen omen, called \u201cmatura\u201d in polish \u2013 \u201cthe maturity exam\u201d), started uni,\ni was seriously doubting my faith and openly questioning it during catechism classes at school (yes, it\u0027s a thing in poland)\nand in conversations with priests etc. i came out to myself as queer; then to a few closest friends.\ni started dating. i gained my first sexual experience (i refuse to call it \u201closing my virginity\u201d \ud83e\udd2e).\nall of that a span of last year or so.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Ejust a few weeks before desenzano i also went to regional catholic youth days \u2013 not just as a participant,\nbut also as a \u201ccamp counselor\u201d \/ \u201cguardian\u201d for a bunch of teens from my parish.\ni remember taking advantage of the perks and freedom that came with it, by cutting myself some slack in my ongoing cosplay as a christian \u2013\ni was skipping most church services, and instead was hanging out with my friends \/ wards, and playing guitar together\u2026\nmy gay friend lived in a village near where the youth days were taking place \u2013 so one day he came to meet me,\nand we were openly cuddling in front of a park full of nuns and catholic teens.\nthis was one of my first, relatively subtle coming outs, as well as acts of rebellion against the church,\nthe homophobic society and the patriarchy.\ni remember it feeling so freeing, so empowering.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Ei remember wearing very faggy, green skinny jeans over there. i was just starting to develop my style\u2026\nnah, not just that, but i started to even \u003Cem\u003Ecare\u003C\/em\u003E how i look and what i wear in the first place.\nwhen i look back my old photos, ugh\u2026 no wonder i was so unfuckable in high school,\ni wouldn\u0027t invite that old me to a party either \ud83d\ude05\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Eanyways\u2026 back to desenzano. it was different than the previous years in padova. after years of personal arguments\nbetween organisers, us teenagers behaving terribly, and a bunch of other drama, we weren\u0027t welcome in padova anymore.\nbut in desenzano i didn\u0027t \u003Cem\u003Efeel\u003C\/em\u003E welcome either. or at least i didn\u0027t feel like i belonged.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Ei barely even remember that trip to be honest. a few random memories. only one of them in the local chapel.\ni remember that even though i was there for the services, i didn\u0027t pray anymore\u2026 like, i recited prayers, sure, but that\u0027s different.\nit\u0027s my first clear memory of not believing, just performing faith.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Ei definitely have been doing that for a while at that point \u2013 but that the first moment i can pinpoint in time and space.\nit\u0027s the first moment when i could not only say that i\u0027m gay and an atheist, but also that i \u003Cem\u003Eknow\u003C\/em\u003E that,\nthat i\u0027m \u003Cem\u003Esure\u003C\/em\u003E of that. i knew i was already a different person by then, i knew that the thing i was doing right now\nwas something that i\u0027m leaving behind.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Ei think there was talk that the course wouldn\u0027t continue next year, i\u0027m not sure.\nbut i definitely knew that it was a goodbye for me. from the trips, from italy, from the church,\nfrom my community and from my former family.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Ealthough there are so many things about them all that i\u0027m gonna miss terribly, on that day i wasn\u0027t feeling sad.\ni don\u0027t remember anymore what kind of stupid interpersonal drama was playing out there,\nbut even though i was a queer heretic coming back to live with their fundamentalist parents,\ni was feeling kinda happy to leave that place. bittersweet. mostly, i was relieved.\ni didn\u0027t fit in with that community anymore, and i was at peace with that and the decision to leave it behind over time.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Eover the next year and a bit i would come out to my parents, get outed by them to the rest of the family,\nfinally stopped going to church, met my future husband, moved out, and started my life as an independent adult.\nit\u0027s been a long and painful process.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Ebut also a beautiful one \u2013 because it was the process of\u2026 becoming me.\ni realised \u003Cem\u003Ei don\u0027t have to\u003C\/em\u003E be a miserable, unhappy clone of my parents.\nthere is a \u201cme\u201d out there that i \u003Cem\u003Ewant to\u003C\/em\u003E and \u003Cem\u003Ecan\u003C\/em\u003E be.\u003C\/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003Eso if i am to celebrate that process somehow, i can think of no better moment to mark the occasion\nthan in that beautiful sunset, over that beautiful lake, early on that refreshingly warm morning.\u003C\/p\u003E","words":1065,"readTime":5,"lang":"en"}}}}}