It’s sad, being a member of a minoritised community and seeing some of its members turn against the others. Like in case of that twitter discussion on whether or not “weird looking” people and drag queens should be allowed to represent us, or even mention publicly that they are queer, for fear of giving us a bad reputation.
I used to be that asshole who answers “no” to this question.
I used to be that gay guy who thought that those “effeminate” of us shouldn’t really talk loud about their homosexuality – cause they would only strengthen the stereotypes and make the lives of “us, normal gays” harder to live.
I used to be that gay guy who enjoyed drag queen shows and who liked his queen friends personally, but who advocated against them being in drag when they represent the whole LGBTQ+ movement to the rest of the world. I didn’t want the world to think that all of us are like this.
It was so wrong of me.
Because our strength comes from diversity. Because our fight doesn’t make sense if we only fight to be safe, and not for the ability to be ourselves. Because our fight doesn’t make sense if we don’t fight for all of us.
I wasn’t just restricting others – most of all, I was restricting myself. I’m a nonbinary person, but I’ve spent a huge chunk of my life pretending to be a man, instead of living a fabulous life free of gender norms. All just to make some bigots more comfortable with my existence. Well, fuck them.
If you want to make the oppressed shape themselves in a way that the oppressor wants them to, you’re playing by their rules, and you’ve already lost. You’re working towards a “compromise” between bigotry and being oneself, between hatred and happiness – a compromise that makes everyone unhappy.
You’re valid just the way you are.
If you’re really worrying so much about the image of the community, show the world an image of queer people coming together hand in hand, as “strange” as they might be, united in diversity – and not fighting each other who’s the right amount of gay.
]]>– Morning! How was your weekend?
– Morning! Well, we went do Poland to visit my boyfriend’s family and we...
– Oh, so you have a boyfriend? That’s ok. You know, I have gay friends.
– Erm... OK... So what? I have gay friends too. And straight friends... What’s your point?
Saying “I have gay friends” might seem like a good way to show someone that you’re okay with them being gay. In reality, it mostly just shows that you’re desperately trying to show off your tolerance. It shows that you treat homosexuality as something strange, but tolerable.
But you know what kind of support do LGBTQ people really need? We just want to be treated like everyone else – that’s it. Try replacing “boyfriend” with “girlfriend” in the dialogue above. You might be surprised (”Oh, I thought you were single!”), you might get interested in the other person’s relationship (”How did you two meet?”), you might just talk abobut the actual subject of the conversation (”Cool, did you have fun on your trip?”) – but you wouldn’t comment on the other person’s heterosexuality, right?
It’s that simple – we’re just people, with similar passions, similar problems, similar relationships and the same need for love.
One day we won’t have to “come out of the closet”. We’ll just say we are in love and that will be all that matters – Ellen Degeneres
After my wedding, I’m proud to say, I realised I’d finally reached the point where coming out is not an issue anymore. I won’t ever come out again. Not that I ever did that movie-style “I need to tell you something... [long pause] I’m gay... [gasp]”. As a matter of fact, in the last time I actually had simply talked about my boyfriend the way straight guys talk about their girlfriends – but it still felt like I’m confessing some kind of a secret. Even after years of living outside of my homophobic homeland of Poland, the fear of being ridiculed, unaccepted, discriminated against or beaten up was still there.
But getting married was the final milestone on the way to leaving all of that behind. It made me feel that I actually do have all the same rights and duties as any straight person does. It’s not just “ok” to be gay – it’s perfectly normal. Even the registrar was openly mocking Poland’s backwardness.
I didn’t hesitate for a second to share the good news with anyone. My husband is so wonderful, our love so beautiful, our relationship so strong. I’m proud of him and I’m proud of us.
And all we got was a positive, loving, touching response. Not a single person reacted differently than they would react to any other wedding – not even call it a “gay marriage” or anything. We didn’t get “gay married”, we just got married.
And that’s the kind of society I want to live in. 😌
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